Not the Same
by pleasefuckoff
Summary: Post-Naomi. Slight AU. Naomi begins to come to terms with what is happening between Emily and herself.
1. Chapter 1: From Your Bright Sunny Skies

Title: Not the Same

Author: D (pleasefuckoff)

Rating: M

Disclaimer: Not mine, not mine, not mine. :[ So don't rub it in.

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The memory of her lingers on my skin every night like a ghost. I haven't spoken to her since that night at the doorstep, at least not in public. It's been nearly three days. Three unbearable days. I've kept none of the words I'd given her that night. I've since then run. I don't know why I ran. I just did. It's a losing battle though. I feel like I'm going through withdrawal, she's so addictive.

"At it again are we?" I jump at the brisk voice that settles next to me, leaning against the battered and dented lockers in the same fashion as me. There are people bustling loudly about, hurrying to get to their class, or whatever have you.

"I dunno what you're talking about." Play it off cool, I tell myself, but my eyes don't waver. Better not blow my cover by [i]not[/i] staring at her, I think to myself sarcastically. The bright yet dull eyes of Effy Stonem stare at me with little humor. She doesn't know what I'm thinking. She doesn't know what's going on.

"Right." She says cleanly, kicking her leg up behind her against the lockers. She knows everything. Effy's mastered the skill of saying everything by saying nothing, and her nothing is telling me she knows everything. Her arms are folded in a way that tells me she's expecting something from me. I've gotten pretty good at reading people despite what many people may say.

"What do I say to her?" I don't look over at Effy because I know she has an unamused look painted all over her face. What shouldn't I say to her?

"Words." Are all she says before she turns to leave just as the bell rings. Before I turn to go, she looks at me. It's only a glance.

Emily.

God. What have I done. Like the coward I am, I just watch as she and the rest of her group pour into class. Compose yourself, Naomi. What's happened to you? What's happened to the girl who couldn't give a fuck if she tried? How'd you get so invested? I'm concentrating so hard, I literally jump as Cook stumbles past me, slapping JJ upside the head a few good times with JJ scrambling to defend himself.

Class. With a sharp exhale, I prepare myself. No use delaying the inevitable, now is there? When I fully step into the classroom, there is one thing that becomes blatantly obvious: there are no empty seats.

Well, that's not entirely true. There's one empty seat. Fuck my whole life upside down. I look up to the ceiling thinking God is going to pop out, point, and laugh. When he doesn't, I shake my head and sit down next to Emily, dropping my bag on the floor between us.

The teacher tries her best to settle everyone down to start class, but it's still a ruckus. "What, you get a better view now and suddenly you can look at anything [i]but[/i] me?" Her husky voice is even lower than usual as she whispers to me.

I shut my eyes and briefly try to memorize the sound. "Naomi? Will you look at me?" She thinks I don't want to?

"It has been three days, Naomi," I love when she says my name, "Three days! I'm not some toy to be tossed around, you know and I'm not about to have you walk all over me lik-" She stops her quiet (but harsh) rant when I put my hand on her thigh under the table.

"Can we..." I'm quiet as well. The teacher is speaking, and hardly taking any notice to the two of us. "Can we please... talk about this later? Right now I just..." I can't seem to put things in the right words. It's like putting a square peg in a circle.

Emily puts me off edge and there's a flood of relief when I feel her hand cover mine. The tingling from our hands radiates up my arm making my elbow shake with intensity. Moments later, she laces her fingers through mine. We're holding hands. Under the table. In class. Best of all. She's smiling.

I don't bother taking notes for the rest of class. Partly because Emily won't let go of my right hand.

When the bell rings, I'm a little broken hearted because it means her hand is no longer in mine. Emily gets up wordlessly and begins to pack her books. I expect her to say something to me, anything, but she doesn't. Instead, she joins the current of students rushing out of the classroom. As she's ready to leave, she looks over her shoulder at me. The look in her eyes is screaming at me to follow her, to chase her. Because she's chased me enough already. Because I'm the one who has mucked everything right up.

I'm ashamed to say I have to take a moment to debate whether or not to actually follow her. I'm afraid of the consequences. I'm afraid of losing her, but I'm afraid of having her at the same time. It's what's caused me to run: what it means to _have_ Emily Fitch.

Adjusting my bag over my shoulder, I head off in the direction I watched her go, around the corner and to the left. She's like a damn goldfish as she bustles through the sea of students. I'm having a hard time catching up. Nearly lose sight of her twice.

I manage though, as I open the door to the janitor's closet. I look around as I slip in, making sure no one sees me. I feel overwhelmingly guilty at feeling guilty about being with Emily. It's all very confusing.

The room is cramped and dark. It takes me a moment to adjust enough to see her. What I thought was Emily Fitch was actually a mop. "Talk." She says to me with an expectant tone. Right. Words, like Effy said.

"I was afraid." I begin, because I'm afraid now and I've been afraid these past three days. Terrified. "I mean, are we suddenly lesbians or something?" Probably so. "And do I have to... I dunno, do you now, I mean the way you did me? I don't have the slightest how to do any of that... I'm no good with oils!" I may be getting a little hyperstimulated because I find myself breathing very hard, as though I'm hyperventilating.

Emily hasn't responded. Instead she's looked to me like I've sprouted an extra head. "You ran away because you... thought that you had some sexual obligation to me?"

"Well, now it just sounds completely stupid when you say it out loud." I calm a bit even though she's still looking at me like I'm the dumbest person in Bristol.

"Naomi, I've said this before." She sounds utterly exhausted with me, with my ridiculousness, I'm sure. "My first thought when I look at you isn't 'I want to fuck that girl', I like being with you. That's all. Not like I've all this experience or anything. And I don't expect conventional. You're welcome to make any of your own rules. I'll let you know how I feel about them." I hate that she's reasonable.

I just scowl because I feel so very stupid now.

"Why didn't you just come and speak to me about it?" Instead of being ridiculous and making a big mess of things, being miserable for three days, having your friends think you're an insane stalker? Because I'd miss all the fun.

"I was just afraid you'd want something from me... something I couldn't give you." I mutter quietly. She steps closer to me, her hand against my arm.

"I just want you, Naomi. Whatever you want to do, I'll go with you on it." If only everyone in school could see how confident and reassuring Emily is, how she cares about everything, absolutely everything.

She smiles at me, the hand that's on my arm, stroking up and down to try and calm me, leaving goosebumps in its wake, having the opposite effect on me. I've missed her so much, and the contact of her fingers against my arm are things my dreams have been made of for the past three days.

"I want to kiss you." I whisper, almost ashamed. "Can I... can I kiss you?" Her smile widens as she takes another small step closer to me, and I can feel her stomach brush against mine and her hands slide up to grasp behind my neck. How I've missed the feeling, I'll never be able to fully explain to her, to fully describe.

I can't hold back any longer. My lips are on hers. I wrap my arms around her waist like I've been wanting to, and I pull her close to me.

"It really hurts when you run from me." She mumbles against my lips. She's so vulnerable, it shatters my heart.

"I'm sorry." I say, still breathless from her kiss as I dive in for another. "I'm sorry." I say again before continuing to kiss her. I don't mean to run. This is all very scary though. Very. She kisses me harder and I forget why I'm afraid. We're losing control and I think she knows it, but I don't think she cares. The door jiggles a bit as the doorknob turns, not by either of us.

We jump apart as light spills into our dark closet.

"Thomas!" Emily squeaks out, her lips bruised and swollen, her hair a mess. Thomas merely looks between the two of us innocently.

"Hid one of these here when I first came," He said, passing us by into the janitor's closet as he picks up a pack of gum. Thomas has a thing for sweets. As he's about to leave, he looks at the two of us again, and this time, he frowns.

"What are you two girls doing in the closet?" I purse my lips and glance over at Emily.

I really... really don't know how to respond to that.


	2. Chapter 2: The Sounds You Make

Title: Not the Same

Author: D (pleasefuckoff)

Rating: M

Disclaimer: Not mine, not mine, not mine. :[ So don't rub it in.

Author's Note: Peoples, let me know what you think because I'm beta-less and I'd really like y'all's opinions on this piece.

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"So did you think I was going to like, what, assault you or something?" Emily laughs as we lay side to side on the floor at the foot of my bed. I elbow her, feeling my cheeks turn red.

"Stop talking about it will you?" God, I'm embarrassed enough as it is. She sputters and begins to laugh and I roll my eyes with a sigh. I let her laugh it out and soon it dies down. There's silence between the two of us, a pause. Things have gotten better since our time in the closet. Okay, haha. Laugh about it now. But it's been better. Less... tense.

And every time it becomes tense, one of us pops that bubble. I look over at her, and that's exactly how it is now. She's looking at me so intensely. I hold her gaze as long as I can, but it makes me a little uncomfortable. I'm not used to it. I turn away and so does she. I expect her to pop the bubble as she begins to make some stretching motions before laying back down. She still hasn't said a word though.

Another beat. And she situates herself closer to me, her head on my shoulder. I'm a little shocked. It makes me freeze. I don't move. Neither does she, but then she bites her lip when I continue my not moving, thinking she did the wrong thing, and starts to move away.

Quickly, I put my arm around her. No. This is good. I like this. She calms down and settles back against me. It feels good. It feels nice. I breathe in deeply to try and calm my racing heart. The proximity is a bit much. I'm not used to being so close to someone, but I really need to get over it. Because I really like it.

Hesitantly, I feel her arm drift over my stomach, hugging herself to me. God, she must feel like she's walking on eggshells here. "Tell me something about yourself." She asks of me softly. I can feel her breath, each syllable of her words in puffs of air against the skin of my collarbone.

"Mmm." I think about what to say, what there is to know about me. I'm really very boring. I don't have any stories about drunken escapades with my mates. I don't have any mates really. "I strongly believe that Taiwan is an independant country and not part of China." She laughs at this. I guess she wasn't expecting an answer like that.

"Really? How so?" She asks me, genuinely interested. I've never met someone so engrossed in what I was saying. And I don't even think that it matters to Em what I'm saying, just the fact that I'm saying it.

"Well," I chuckle because she seems so focused. I can feel her eyes on me as I stare at the ceiling. "The independants fled to Taiwan to escape the Communist party after they overtook the government. The Maoists didn't even recognize the losing party until they set up a country for themselves, began to develop and so forth. It's the same as Tibet." I shake my head in disgust. "It's horrible, really."

She hugs me tighter. "I love how you take a stand for the things you believe in. I wish I could do that." I really don't understand why she can't. Emily is as passionate as me, if not more. She's just passionate about different things.

"Why can't you?" Emily shrugs as she buries her head against my neck. I know she wants to stand up to Katie. I know it's what she's talking about, and I really have no place in telling her what to do, or voicing my opinion on the situation because I haven't a clue what's gone on between them. I don't know what it's like. I mean, I'm an only child. I'm not used to being overpowered. Even so, if I were to tell her what to do, I'd be doing the same thing as Katie: controlling her.

"I dunno. It's just... hard. I mean, everyone knows me as this person, this nice person, who doesn't complain, doesn't argue. A doormat. They think I don't know how to fight." How untrue that is. "It's hard to break that mold, you know? Not like I can wake up one day and say, 'Eh Katie, you're a fuckin' cow, stop stealing my clothes.' I would probably get my ass handed to me."

I laugh as I imagine the scene unfolding before me. "Well I believe you'd be the one kicking ass. No one knows. You're so much stronger than you let on."

"You know this huh? You know me?" Not too long ago, I told Emily that the idea that she knew me was ridiculous. I know now that I was the one being ridiculous. I know her. I know who she is. I may not know every little quirk about her, but I'd like to learn. I may not have been there with her in the past, but I want to be there for her in the future. Jesus, this girl is turning me into some hopeless romantic.

"I do." I say with a hopeless romantic smile. "And you know me." I admit to her in a whisper, like it's a secret. It makes her smile. She has a brilliant smile.

"Your turn. Tell me something about you." I say, changing the subject. I do want to know about her. Everything I can.

"Well, I get all riled up when Katie steals my clothes, but deep down, I know I'll never wear them. I'm much too shy for that." Suddenly, it's all very depressing. She sighs. "I buy all these tops... and skirts... and I like to imagine myself wearing these nice... pretty things, but I won't wear them. I'm afraid of what people'll think of me. I suppose it's better that Katie steals them from me. At least she puts'em to use." The last part trails off into a sad mutter.

"Why do you do that?" I ask her bluntly. She looks up into my eyes, genuinely confused. I'm surprised she doesn't have a clue what I'm talking about. 'That'. She knows what 'that' is. She does 'that' all the time. All the damn time.

"What?" She asks when I don't answer her. I'm still surprised that she doesn't catch on. For a bright girl, she's a little slow right now.

"Put yourself down." I sigh and hug her tightly. I want her to know the truth in my words. I want her to know how much I mean it when I say this. "Emily you are the most capable and passionate woman I've ever met. So do something about it when you know you want to."

Her eyes look like they're going to well up, like she's touched by what I've just said. She leans closer to me and I can feel the heat of her face against mine. I think she's going to kiss me, and what shocks me is that I think I want her to. I know I want her to.

Instead she puts her head back onto my shoulder and lets out a deep breath. "Thank you." She whispers. "For believing in me." Was there ever any doubt? Emily is the only one I know that believes in me back. She believes unconditionally. She does everything unconditionally. Without even thinking about it, I kiss the top of her head.

We laid like that for a good time, in complete silence. Normally, silence bothers me. I like to speak what's on my mind, and I don't like it when people keep secrets. Usually when there's silence, I'm not speaking what's on my mind, and people are keeping secrets. Right now, I have nothing to say. My mind is at rest, at peace. Emily yawns. I can feel her try and hide it, forcing her jaw not to open as much as it normally would were she really yawning. She's tired. Not that I could blame her. I'm rather tired myself.

"I just wish that I could have confidence. I want to feel attractive, but I don't want to feel like I'm dressing like a hooker. Not that Katie's a hooker or anything. Just... I-well I mean I dunno..." She sputters off before yawning again. I yawn too. It's infectious.

I sigh at both the yawning and what Emily's said. I nudge the side of her head with my shoulder a few times. "C'mon." Is all I say as I stand up. Emily watches me as I do this. I'll admit, I stop for a moment before I take off my shirt. She watches me as I do this as well. I feel her eyes roaming all over my body but I don't hate it like I expect I would. I tug off my skirt as she stands up along with me.

Emily looks like she's at ends with what to do. My sympathies fly to her. I've thrown her for a loop so many times. She stares into my eyes as my hands reach down to the hem of her t-shirt. She lets me pull it over her head. I kiss her briefly on the lips, but not long enough to linger. I'm really not ready to sleep with her, I should tell her that. I want to let her know that clothes really don't matter to me. What she wears doesn't matter. She could put on a garbage bag and I wouldn't mind. It's not about sexy clothes. It's not the clothes that make her sexy.

She doesn't take her eyes off of me as she pulls off her shorts. I take her hand and lead her to bed, pulling the covers off and slipping in, scooting over enough to make room for her. She watches me carefully still as she slides in next to me.

The way her leg slips against mine, and the feeling of her smooth calf against the side of my knee. It's erotic. It makes me flush in the memory of her and her skin against me. And suddenly, my brain thinks that this is about sex. That's not at all what it's about. It's about being there for Emily. It's about the simplicity of it. Not to mention that I don't like sleeping in very much clothing, or any at all. "I'm not ready for sex." I blurt out clumsily, and she raises her eyebrows at me for a moment before laughing.

"Okay," Her words aren't patronizing and they don't jibe at me. She simply lies down on one of my pillows, looking into my eyes. Slowly, very slowly, I bring my arms around her. She turns around so I can hold her properly, wiggling back so that her back is flush to my front. It's all very... ahem. Nice. I wrap my arms around her tighter. I don't want to let go.

"Thank you for letting me know." She says quietly as I feel her hands on top of mine once more. The tingling doesn't stop this time. It travels the entire length of my arm. It feels like someone's put pop rocks directly into my blood stream. The tingles all gather at the pit of my stomach. I feel like it's doing flips.

"Good night, Em." I whisper in her ear. Her eyes are already closed. I spend the time just looking at her. She's breathtaking. When I'm fairly certain she's fallen asleep, I shut my eyes and place my lips on the shell of her ear where my words had drifted moments ago. I kiss her, with a certainty and devotion that frightens me.

I'm startled again when I realize she's not asleep. She takes the hand that's in hers and brings it up to her lips. I feel her kiss my knuckles lightly and her body shift as she hugs my hand tightly to her chest. "G'night, Naomi." She says sleepily. I watch her drift to sleep. I know she's asleep this time because she's snoring so very lightly.

Even that is a beautiful sound.


	3. Chapter 3: Things That Ache for 200

Title: Not the Same

Author: D (pleasefuckoff)

Rating: M

Disclaimer: Not mine, not mine, not mine. :[ So don't rub it in.

Author's Note: Thanks for the encouragement. I'm having a huge fit of writer's block right now so I do apologize, but I'm working on it. With great fervor.

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I wake up in the position I fell asleep in: comfortable. Immediately, I realize that Em is still curled up on my arm. I feel little pricks against my skin, and I know she's probably been there all night. It makes me smile just thinking about it because normally, Emily tosses and turns in her sleep. She's a real riot, that girl. But she looks so peaceful now that I'm looking down on her closed eyes. I wonder if she's dreaming and if she's dreaming, what it is about.

The sun's bright even with my curtains shut. How Emily is still asleep in this light is amazing to me. She's not just a riot. She's a heavy riot when she sleeps. Like a juggernaut. I laugh internally because it's nothing like Emily, the timid, mousy, sometimes well-mannered girl that everyone knows. Then again, the timid, mousy, sometimes well-mannered girl that everyone knows is nothing like the Emily I know. Nothing like the Emily I've been lucky enough to know. I am nothing but fortunate with the things she shares with me.

Sometimes I wonder if she shares the same thing with Katie. If Katie knows about her. Her ambitions, her wants and desires. I wonder if Katie knows that she is insecure, that she always needs reassurance despite how strong and independant she is. Emily needs someone, to let her know that she's beautiful, and priceless, and holy.

That someone will be me.

Slowly, I try to move myself away from her, but she holds my hand tight. "Don't go... please." She mumbles and I'm not sure whether she's dreaming it or she's really awake for a moment. "Stay." She says to me, a little clearer and I know that she's slowly becoming lucid.

Hugging her tightly, I whisper softly in her ear, "I'll be back. Promise." I say and kiss her on the cheek. Emily grumbles and shifts as I move away from her. I pad over to my restroom outside, do my best to avoid my cow of a mother, and get back as quickly as I can. To be fair, she's not so much of a cow anymore, but I really don't want to face her right now.

Shutting the door, I watch Emily continue to shift and grunt in frustration, unable to find the comfortable position we were both once in. Crossing my arms over my chest, I lean back against the door and just watch her for a bit. I watch her nose twitch a bit before she begins to snore again, and the way her arms wrap around her stomach when she sleeps, and the leg that she hikes up no matter what position she sleeps in kick off part of the comforter.

I smile uncontrollably and do my best to push down the overwhelming urge to run from this, the one that continually creeps up behind me and forces me to flee within a moment's notice. It's scary. Very scary. I've spent so much time convincing myself there's no one in the world I need, that when I find someone, well it's incredibly frightening, and to add to that, she's a girl? It's beyond terrifying. The way she makes me feel is unlike anything I've felt with anyone. Ever. Nothing really compares. And I wonder sometimes, with all these feelings bursting inside of me, if I may be going a bit mad.

But she's so... hard to describe. Emily is everything that makes me feel... anything. She has a retort to all of my rude comments. She's so very passionate about her friends and family. She actually understands my jokes. She's empathetic and never pushes or pries. She's perfect.

So why would I run?

I smile as I get back in bed. My arguments are quelled. For now and still another half hour or so before school. As soon as I settle in, Emily turns around, huddling against me like a fire in the arctic and falls right asleep. She's absolutely perfect.

For now, this is okay.

What alarms me is how quickly the time passes. My clock starts to blare and I realize I haven't slept a wink. I've just been watching her. Jesus, I feel like a creeper. She starts to stir from her sleep, rubbing out the tired grogginess from her eyes as she sits up in bed. I watch as she turns around and looks at me, like she's surprised I'm still in bed. She smiles and I smile.

"I better get back to the house before Katie gets upset." She's mentioned that her mum and dad haven't really checked in on them since the last year of middle school. It's just Katie.

"Oh," I say and it makes Em turn around to look at me, "I was thinking of riding with you to your house. It is slightly on the way..." I reason, but I really just want to spend time with her. I don't want myself to believe that that's the only reason though. I don't want to think I need her. That I can't do without her.

Even if it's true.

"Okay.... I'll wait then." She says quietly, looking down to her feet, all flustered and shy. I stand up and hastily begin to get ready. Turning away from Emily, I pull off my shirt, biting my lip as I do so. I can feel her eyes on me, tracing up and down my spine. I feel the heat of her gaze and it makes me shiver. I cover my front and look over my shoulder to catch her, to catch her watching me.

"Stop perving will you?" She drops her jaw in shock as I turn around to put on my bra and t-shirt.

"I was not perving!" I bend over to pull on my trousers and turn back again, just so I can catch her eyes. Again.

"You were looking." I say in a sing-song voice with a little dance, wiggling my backside a bit as I do so, and this time she doesn't respond. She crosses her arms over her chest and pouts angrily. She's so adorable that it makes me laugh as I walk into my restroom to brush my teeth and wash my face as quickly as I possibly can.

When I get back, she hasn't moved a muscle. I drop my hands to my sides and walk over to her. "Em, stop pouting. C'mon. I'm ready to go." She shakes her head like a petulant four year old. "Em," I try again, "Please, let's go." More pouting. Stubborn little thing.

With a smile, I lean in for a soft kiss. As I pull back, I see a smile creeping at the tips of her mouth. She's trying to hold it back. I lean in for another kiss, longer this time, deeper. She sighs as I break apart briefly before kissing her even harder. Her arms uncross and wrap around my neck. I settle my hands on her hips. I open my mouth when I feel her tongue against my lip and a moan escapes me. I don't need her. I don't need her. I don't need her.

It's all a lie.

"Naomi, sweetie, if you see Kieran at school, please tell him he left his... some of his things here." I hear through the door and Emily jumps at the sound. We break apart like we've been doing something wrong.

I shudder when what my mother has said to me finally sinks in past the hormonal haze Emily Fitch previously had me in. We look to one another, and Emily has the same dazzled look as I do. Like she's just met Santa Claus. Well, perhaps not Santa Claus because I don't feel very comparable to San- that is besides the point. A few moments later, when she begins to register what my cliche of a mother has just said. "That is so... awkward."

"Tell me about it." I say rolling my eyes but smiling as I do so. Just the thought of m- and he tried to kiss me. Ugh. I lean in and kiss Emily again. Hard. I need to forget. Forget that moment and drown myself in this. In her. Her lips are so perfect, so soft against mine as she massages away any coherent thought in my mind.

"Darling, did you hear me? I said that if you see Kieran, he forgot his co-" I don't want to know. I don't need to know. If I know, I may be scarred for life, if that hasn't happened already. I don't let her finish.

"Yeah, mum. Got it!" I say simply and turn back to Emily, flushed still and looking at her shoes again. She's absolutely adorable. Perfect even.

"Let's go." I smile to her as I take her hand and lead her out of my room. I'm a little scared, I'll admit. I'm not sure how I'm going to fair in public. In private, Emily and I, we're so at peace with one another, and as of now, that balance is so fragile, so delicate. When other variables are involved... I really don't know. I try my best to be optimistic though. Never been the kind to back down.

She kisses my hand as we walk out the door of my house. I look back to her and she's smiling up at me innocently.

I try harder than ever to believe I could ever do without her.

By the time we walk our bikes to the college, we're nearly late. Everyone's already arrived, including Katie who we saw on the way. Katie's boyfriend drove her, and she's standing with her books cradled in one arm, staring at me as if I had killed her sister and replaced her with some kind of Emily-esque fembot.

"You think Katie's a bit miffed?" I ask sarcastically as Emily and I lock our bikes in the racks. I make sure I don't look away from one Katie Fitch because I know that the second I turn around, there'll probably be a knife in my back. Emily shrugs, not really even paying attention to her twin sister.

"She's just upset I said no to her. She's not used to it. Me saying no." I roll my eyes and smirk at her. Emily opted to ride her bike to school with me instead of sitting in the cramped and uncomfortable and undoubtedly contaminated backseat of Danny Guillermo's 'yellow love machine'. The one that smells like cheap cologne and sleazy egotism.

Katie somehow gets the impression that Emily enjoys living vicariously through her, with the morning grope, and the sound of Katie's voice carrying over the boom of the contrived hip hop Danny likes to blast. She thinks that Emily takes joy in entertaining Katie's stories, laced with narcotics and her unquenchable need to be loved.

"No one's used to you saying no." Emily laughs at this and playfully shoves me in the shoulder. She knows it's true. Emily isn't the type to say no. I mean, she can do it if need be, if her life depended on it, if her morals depended on it, but I'd like to hear her say no just because. Because Emily doesn't want to. Lately, I find myself more and more concerned, not only with what Emily, my dearest friend wants, but making sure that she gets it.

I want to give her everything she wants.

"Shut the fuck up." Her words don't hurt one bit because she's laughing as she walks away like I've upset her. A few paces up, she stops and turns around. I can't help but smile at myself when I realize that she's waiting for me. I try to be as calm and collected as possible as I walk, in brisk fashion, towards her.

I'm nervous when Emily walks with me into the school. I feel like everyone's eyes are on me, watching me, knowing what I'm thinking. And normally I'm not so self conscious, but I feel like I have some big sign on me that reads 'lesbian' in big neon lights. Emily trips as this behemoth sized ox of a boy comes barrelling through, running away from another classmate. She falls right against me, right into my personal space and I completely lose it.

She looks me dead in my wide shocked dumbfounded eyes and it takes a split second of silence before I practically shove her off me and walk in the opposite direction. So much for a new leaf. So much for brave.

The bell rings and the large crowds of people begin to dissipate and fade into their respective classrooms. I round the corner and take a deep breath. "Shit!" I scream, chewing on my lip. I furrow my brows together in furstration. What the fuck are you doing? What the fuck?

"Shit!" I yell again before turning back around. I stand up straight, take a deep breath, and march into class. One of the many I have with Emily.

When I get into class, there are two seats open, one next to Effy, and one next to Cook. Easy choice, I think to myself as I sit down next to Effy. I look over to Emily who is sitting next to Katie and sigh. She's not even looking back at me, not even a glance.

And my heart begins to ache.


	4. Chapter 4: The Feeling's Mutual, Kid

Title: Not the Same

Author: D (pleasefuckoff)

Rating: M

Disclaimer: Not mine, not mine, not mine. :[ So don't rub it in.

Author's Note: Writer's block still in tact but no worries. I've got a sledgehammer. :]

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Why does it hurt? It's not like she's a relevant aspect of my life. It's not like I need Emily Fitch. Not like I have some kind of dependancy on her because in reality, we are all alone. We like to think we have a connection, but we came into this world alone and we will leave this world alone. I know this. At least I think I do. Except I'm not so sure anymore.

Because if I didn't need Emily...

Why is it that every part of me is screaming for her right now? Being afraid of my feelings for her are, in part, because I've never needed someone before. I've never even needed my own mother. So this, this is entirely new to me, and none too welcome either.

I don't want this. I don't want to need this. Most of all, I don't want to need her. Because that makes me weak. It makes me like everyone else, namely my mother. I don't want to be like her: throw everything you are into this one person, pour your entire being into them, until you share the same soul... and one day... without a speck of notice, they're gone. And you've got nothing to show for yourself. Because you lived and breathed for this person who couldn't give less of a shit for your pathetic life. And now you're worthless. A worthless fool. I won't be made a fool of.

Because of my mother, I feel almost obliged to know better, to learn from her mistakes. And I will. I will never be at the mercy of another person, like some helpless child. Never.

Sighing, I continue to doodle in my notebook. Though we're speaking about politics right now, I can't seem to focus at all. Every now and then, I can feel a set of eyes on me. It comes from two similar, but different angles. A glare from Katie. Pause. A sad look from Emily. Pause. A glare. Pause. A look. Pause. I try not to look back. I want to. I want to defiantly glare back into Katie's eyes. I want her to be able to see me, read what my eyes would scream at her. 'She's mine'.

Mine. I think with a scoff, but the word warms up to me, like the lighting sparks of a flame. Mine. Because she is. At least she was when I held her in my arms this morning. I want to tell Katie so. The word becomes more and more fluent to me as I think about her. Emily. My Emily.

My Emily and the way she makes me feel. She makes me feel like flying, high as a kite and that's before the MDMA. I mean, the MDMA is preferable but certainly not needed. Not like her. She's rather necessary. I'll admit it. Maybe just a little bit... that Emily Fitch... is a bit necessary because she's the only one who makes me feel happy. I don't laugh as hard without her. I don't smile as wide. Because the world without her is just a bit dimmer.

Because when she's not mine, even sunlight feels artificial.

For Christ's sake, I'm a teenager. I drink 'til I'm fucked to my face and smoke enough spliffs to clear out a grocery store isle full of chocolate chip cookies. I don't think about consequences. So why am I worried about this one? Why am I worried about becoming so attached to someone that when they leave, it'll hurt?

Because they always leave. And because when she leaves, it won't just hurt...

It'll shatter me.

Emily has such power over me, the likes of which I can't even begin to describe. She's like kryptonite. In truth, Emily could get me to do nearly anything she wanted. I can't get enough of her. She is my isle of chocolate chip cookies. And that's why I must stay away. I have to steer clear. Or she will make me into something I will regret. I'm not... I don't... I am in no way... a... lesbian.

And I do not. I do not... love... her.

Love makes you stupid. I look around the class, quietly writing away at some assignment. Freddy, the lovesick fool, is staring slackjawed at the back of Effy's head. I roll my eyes. Love makes you so stupid and so shameless, it's sickening. Oh and it makes you a blubbering coward. I refuse to be at the mercy of a notion like love, or at the mercy of Emily Fitch. I am definitely not going to consent to becoming anything like the emo mess that Freddy is.

But do I have a choice? I glance over at Emily and she stares directly into my eyes. I can see everything inside of her head, and it's as if there are subtitles, scored in capital letters, WHY DON'T YOU WANT ME. Oh Emily. I do want you, and that is precisely the problem. Pursing my lips, I try to validate her, reassure her. Because it hurts when she hurts.

I try to tell her, with my eyes, that I do want her, very much, dangerously much. But I must not be speaking the right language because in an instant, she looks away back to her desk. I slump with the overwhelming feeling of failure and emptiness washing over me.

Really, I have no right to be asking for yet another second chance. The second second chance in two days. I don't deserve one, and although Emily is very patient understanding human being, she's still only human. To be fair, I've pushed the limits time and time again. I couldn't blame her for disliking me profusely. I don't want to say hate because, well, that would really hurt, having Emily hate me. At the worse, I'd accept her not liking me too much because at the beginning of this year, I didn't like her too much either.

That's changed though. Now I sort of need her. Just a little bit.

Class ends and everyone is ready to get the fuck out of the classroom. To say that the class today has been boring would be putting it very lightly. Emily's sluggish when she packs her books and I watch as Katie barks at her to hurry up.

"Oh fuck this!" She says loudly just a moment later and leaves Emily just as one of Emily's books drops onto the floor with a loud and heavy thump. Walking over, I pick up the book, much to Emily's surprise. She recovers quickly though.

"Careful," She says, her voice dripping with a sarcasm that rivals even me. "That book may be contaminated with my lezzer tendencies." Emily is glaring at me. She's glaring at me.

With a sigh, I roll my eyes and bring the book up to my face, rubbing the front cover of it onto my cheek. By the time I bring the book back down to my chest, her slightly riddled face is quirked into full blown confusion. Her eyebrows raise and she tries to hold back a laugh and a smile because she knows this is no time to laugh. Laughing would mean I was in the clear. I'm not stupid. I know I'm not in the clear just because I rub some disgusting book in my face. "You don't know where that's been." She says incredulously.

I roll my eyes, looking away from her. "Yeh, well I'm not the one that has to kiss my cheek." I say breezily as I walk away with her book in my hand. Emily, of course, follows me. I hear her footsteps behind me and can feel her presence nearing me as we walk through the loud hallways.

"What makes you think I'm going to be kissing anything of yours?" I smile because when I mention kissing me, her first thought is herself. That must mean something. At this point any little thing will make me happy, any little show of progress.

"Who said anything about you being the one kissing me?" I walk to my locker to grab my book for next class and put up the one from this class. I wonder if it's some kind of cosmic sign that Emily has every single one of my classes with me. When I shut my locker and finally look at her, she has nothing to say.

In fact, she looks a bit hurt that I said what I did. I can see that she's filtering through her head every possible person on the face of this planet who, in her mind, has a possibility of kissing my cheek. I can see her eyes flaring in jealousy and more hurt. It hurts me. I hurt when she hurts. I soften and place a hand on her arm so that her attention is focused on me and not the long list of possibilities running through her head. By the way, who the hell does she think I am? There are _not_ that many people.

"I was talking 'bout my mum." Letting her off the hook with that one, I offer her a smile, but she continues to glare at me. Yeah, not at all off the hook. She takes her book out of my hands and walks away.

In a few steps, I catch up to her. When she walks a bit faster, I match her pace. Emily gives me a sidelong glare. "What do you think you're doing?"

Her questions are a lot less like questions and a lot more like expectant statements. "I'm walking with you to class. We have the same class you know." She doesn't say anything and continues walking. Emily Fitch is not the doormat people think she is. I know this. I know this very well because she's not letting me off the hook. She doesn't put up with my shit and she's sure to put me in my place.

As we walk into our next class, I make sure to sit right next to wherever Emily sits. She glares at me and I feel Katie glare at me too as she walks in. I don't know if some cosmic force wanted to also play a good joke on me and put Katie in most of my classes too. I don't move though, and I try my best not to seem phased by the glares.

"What do you think you're doing?" Emily asks for the second time in the course of three minutes. This time there's a little more bite to her words, like she's ready to break out into a Katie-bark.

"I'm sitting with you." I try to say with meaning without having to actually look at her. I don't want her to see the fear in my eyes, this time not of _having_ Emily, but of _not_ having her. She doesn't really respond for a little while, pulling out her notebook and some pens for class. I realize that she's not looking back at me either because she doesn't want me to see the fear in her eyes. The fear of losing what little of me I give her. I realize something she's never going to tell me.

It's at this moment I realize just how much she needs me.


	5. Chapter 5: Gone

Title: Not the Same

Author: D (pleasefuckoff)

Rating: M

Disclaimer: Not mine, not mine, not mine. :[ So don't rub it in.

Author's Note: So this is probably going to be the last one for a week or so, so enjoy it. It's slightly longer than the rest. I have a paper and project and loads of other things due on top of trying to find a new job, so polishing the next chapter has to be put on hold. Sorry, guys.

Let me know if you guys can't stand it and have to have another chapter sooner. :] I'll do my best to oblige depending on the volume of demands lol.

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She keeps this from me because she's scared that it'll scare me away. For someone so fearless in most matters, I'm such a coward when it comes to Emily. A blubbering coward. I spend the entire class after that just thinking about her, the way she looked when she picked up her books and left. She looked broken. Like I broke her. Like she threw everything she had into me and I just walked away. Like I'd made a fool of her. A worthless fool.

I am such an idiot. I try texting her while I'm in my class, but I don't know what to say. Sorry is beginning to lose its weight after all the hit and runs. It's really what it's been like with her. I've just hit and run. Cold-heartedly, I gave her a moment, a wonderful moment, and took it away. I acted like it meant nothing, that it wasn't worth fighting for.

Honestly, I don't know if it is. The last class of the day, I make sure to sit next to her as well, but she doesn't so much as look at me. She doesn't ask me again what I'm doing. Her eyes are trained forward the entire time with military dedication. I begin to worry that she's not going to forgive me for this. It was a stupid reflex action when I pushed her away.

Katie leans back in her chair so that she can look at me properly, well, glare at me properly. I wonder if her face is going to stick like that. I know that she knows that I've been staring at Emily this entire class. "Sod off will you, you stupid dyke? She doesn't want you." But I do think she wants me. Very much. And I want her too. Even more so.

I ignore Katie because I know how Emily hates it when Katie and I argue. I really don't want to upset her more by provoking Katie. Which I'd like to. So badly. "Did you hear me? Sod. Off."

Within a beat, I hear Emily's voice, soft but harsh, "Leave it, Katie." Katie looks at her like she's sprouted wings and rolls her eyes.

"I was just trying to get the freak to stop perving on you, Em." Katie tries to explain, but Emily doesn't so much as look over at Katie. Her eyes are fixed to the front like it's the most interesting thing in the world.

"Just leave it. Please." Emily's voice is much softer now, pleading. Katie relents. Emily always has to plead her way out of situations with Katie. I hate it. I hate Katie for it because that is one of the very reasons Emily always needs to be encouraged and reassured. She has no confidence because she feels like she has to beg for what she wants instead of just asking.

Katie leaves me alone for the rest of class, but as soon as it ends, she practically shoves Emily out the door and away from me. As I'm walking out, I see them talking with Effy. She offers me a smile, but nothing else. Not that I expect as much. Effy's not the type to verbally tell you something. She wants you to figure it out yourself. She wants people to gravitate to her, and more often than not, they do. Like Katie.

I never said the people that were drawn to Effy were ones to be desired. "Naomi! You comin' to the pub tonight?" Ughhhhh. Why. Does. My. Life. Never. Cease. To. Suck. I turn around to face what's coming to me. James Cook and his annoying little chuckle.

"Why?" I know there's some kind of joke or insult coming, but I decide to humor him because if I don't, it's probably just going to make it worse.

"It's lezzie night." His voice is matter-of-fact, but his gestures are very implicative. I can't tell if he's being serious or not. Last time Cook mentioned a 'lezzie' event, it was a tennis tournament they eventually crashed and were promptly escorted away from. "Me and JJ are going to score us some ripe young cuntlickers and teach'em a little-" He finishes his sentence in more of a sequence of crude motions and mimes than actual words. I feel my face tighten into a grimacing frown. Disgusting. Utterly disgusting. "You should come."

I try my best to remember that he's really a decent guy. This show that he puts on is just him living up to the expectation that everyone's set on him. In a way, he's like Emily. He can't really break out of the mold. Even if he is a decent guy, I still can't dignify any of that with a proper response. Not one that doesn't include 'fuck off' and 'pencil dick'. Of course, the only thing to do when one does not have a response is to continue talking, at least in the world according to Cook. I continue to look astonished as he blathers on and on.

"I mean, everyone's goin'." Who's everyone? "We're gonna light up a few spliffs and have us all a good time with a bar full o' muffmunchers. What's better than that?" No response. "And I can promise you by the end of the night, you girls will be so slammed off your asses that we'll all get some good lezzie fun." Sleazy grin. Still no response from me. His sleazy grin falls and then he just shrugs.

"Well I figured it was worth a shot. Still." He says as he begins to walk away. Thank god. "Just thinkin' maybe you wanted to keep an eye out..." He gives me a knowing wink, and it makes me freeze. Does he really know? And Cook of all people! Somebody had to have told him because I know for a fact that he does not have enough wits about him to figure it out all by himself. Even so, it's almost endearing that he's being considerate right now, in his own twisted Cook way.

"If everything works out, you got the Cookie monster to thank." He's walking backwards, still facing me as he's walking away. He really is a decent guy. "So be sure to let me watch!" He bellows over the loud chatter of the hallway. Or maybe not.

Emily looks over at Cook oddly as he walks away from me. She's tagging along with Katie as they exit the building. I call out to her but I don't think she hears me or possibly she doesn't want to hear me. I need to speak with her. I need to apologize... again. Even though it's becoming a little tired. Just because it's tired doesn't make it any less necessary. I say her name again and this time I'm sure she hears it. She just ignores it. I watch as she and Katie begin to walk towards a familiar yellow convertible.

Emily's so eager to leave that she bypasses Katie and Danny completely and heads straight for the car. I somehow hope that maybe Emily's going to change her mind and walk back out of the car as Katie and Danny argue, but she doesn't.

Defeated, I walk to my bike at the rack and make my way back home. Alone. More alone than ever. It feels disgusting. I feel like I'm broken, and it's completely unacceptable. I shouldn't feel like a worthless fool right now. I shouldn't feel like I've lost something precious to me, like I've lost something I needed.

I can't help it. By the time I get through the door of my house, I burst into tears. Frantically, I do my best to wipe them away before my mum sees but it's too late. She comes busting through the door like she could smell my tears. Smell them. "Naomi, honey, what's happened?" She looks concerned, but I really don't want her to be concerned. I don't want her to ask. I don't want to have to explain because I don't know what to say.

What should I say? That I miss Emily? I want Emily? I want to kiss Emily? That I need her? I only cry harder because none of these things can ever be said out loud. Because if they're said out loud then it'll be more true, and that is unacceptable.

Secretly, in the back of my head, there's just a little hope that I can say these things and the world's not going to end. I want to be able to make them true, commit them to history, and there is that little hope that my mum won't be completely busted by it. Like I've disappointed her.

"What's wrong?" She hugs me and for the first time in a very long time, I let her because I'm so terrified that she's going to stop loving me. It doesn't help at all though. It only hurts more because I feel so damn empty. It's not what I need.

What I need is Emily. And possibly a little more than I've previously let on.

It takes me a good while before I have the bearings to even speak. "Just forget it, mum. It's not important." I wipe away my nose with the back of my hand. She hasn't stopped hugging me. I can feel her chin on my shoulder.

"Well it seems very important if you're coming home in a state like this. I'm not going to leave until you tell me what's happened and even if you tell me, I can't gaurantee that I'll leave you alone then either." Well that's my mother. Never one to make promises. I roll my eyes and shake my head, wiping some more stray tears from my eyes.

"I really don't want to talk about it." I'm not ready. I'm not ready to deal with the judgments I know my mother will make. She hasn't spoken about the topic of gays, but it's like almost by instinct, I know her stance. At least I think I know. It's not to say that she doesn't like gays. My mother is a very forward thinking woman. She supports homosexuals... just not when they're her daughter. I get that very feeling from her.

"I just think that if you let it out, it'll make you feel much bette-" I don't want to hear it! I'm just not ready! I'm not ready to tell my mother. How am I when I'm not even ready to tell my friends? I'm not ready to come to terms with my feelings for Emily, and I can't say that I'll ever be ready for something like that. And what the hell are the oils for?! I don't have a fucking clue!

"Look, I don't want to talk about it okay? Just leave me alone." I shrug off the embrace my mother has me in and grab my back to head to my room. She tries to stop me, but I interrupt her yet again. "Just leave me alone." I say again, with more emphasis.

I walk down the hall and slam the door to my room shut. Leaning back against it, I slide down to the floor and can't help but cry some more. I look over to my bed and I can almost picture how Emily looked this morning, her nose twitching adorably as she kicked off the covers.

I don't go to the pub that night. In fact, I spend the next 24 hours sitting in the same uncomfortable position against my door. At some point, I find solace in uncomfortable sleep against my door. I can't sleep in my bed. It probably smells like Emily and I don't think I could take that.

My phone startles me by buzzing violently against the doorframe on the floor. Part of me is wishing that it's Emily calling me and the other part knows that it's not. I frown when I look at my phone. JJ? I pick it up, assuming it's some sort of an emergency.

If this has anything to do with Cook, lesbians, or magic, I am going to kill him because I am not in the mood, and if it has nothing to do with Emily, I am hanging up on the spot.

Okay. So I may need Emily a lot more than I let on.

"JJ?" I am genuinely surprised that of all people, JJ would be calling me on a Saturday evening. I can hear fragments and stutters over the phone. He sounds like a broken record that keeps skipping and freezing and skipping and freezing. "JJ!"

"Naomi! You're there. Good. Well not good. Things are not good. Bad. They're bad. Quite bad." As per usual, he's not making a spot of sense. I ask him what it is he wants because I really need him to get to the point. I have better things to do like sit in an uncomfortable position against my door and cry myself to sleep like the coward I am.

"What is it, JJ?" I really need for him to just spit it out because even though continuing to sit isn't the most exciting thing, it's better than hearing JJ scream at me.

"Wecan'tfindEmily." Wh-what? I take a moment to put spaces between the words before I realize what he's saying. Terror threatens to rise up in my throat in the form of vomit. I can feel it against the back of my mouth just wanting to come out.

She can't be gone.


	6. Chapter 6: The Number Of Tears Displaced

Title: Not the Same

Author: D (pleasefuckoff)

Rating: M

Disclaimer: Not mine, not mine, not mine. :[ So don't rub it in.

Author's Note: Sorry it took so long. I don't know what's happened, but in the process of me dealing with all my school stuff, I've begun to have some mad hives. It's not debilitating or anything, just... preoccupying. So I'm all medically... unwell. Anyways, I won't bother y'all about my little problems. Here's the next part.

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"What do you mean you can't find her?" It's not like she vanished into thin air or anything, but there's still a sense of worry I feel creep up in my chest, so much that it makes me stand up and put on my coat.

"Uh. Well. We were at the psych center. Except you know. Not together. Like together. She was at her appointment. I was at mine. Unless you didn't know about her appointment. But that's not important. We talked. About stuff. And I wanted to talk to Freddy." What does this have to do with Emily? At all? "She went with me. For support. And there was Katie. And Freddy. And they were together. Like _together_. Like fornicating together. And Freddy said something. Then Katie said something. And I said that Emily was gay. Shit! Shit shit shit! And she walked away. Bugger. Unless you didn't know Emily was gay. I did it again didn't I? Bollocks! Shit shit shit!"

I sigh, not knowing how to calm JJ down. I'm not exactly an expert when it comes to socializing. "I know Emily's gay, JJ." I know firsthand... and first... mouth which was... very nice. Mindblowing actually, but that is besides the point.

"Oh." Is all he says then, and "Okay."

"So Emily went to her appointment at the psychological support center. She... told you she was gay and you told her about some problem you have with Freddy. And because she's Emily, she encouraged you to speak to him. That's when you caught Katie and Freddy... together... in bed... 'fornicating'." I can't help but put in some figurative quotations and he shakily confirms my summary thusfar.

"Katie said something about Emily being freaky and I said, I think I, yeah I said, 'Not to be silly. Emily's gay', which was the wrong thing to say. Then she just. She turned. And she walked out. And she's not answering her phone. She's not at home. We can't find her." He sounds extremely worried, like it's his fault she's left.

"Calm down, JJ. How long's she been missing?" I rush out the door to my house and outside. I need fresh air. I need to think. Jesus, it's freezing outside. I go back inside to grab another coat.

There's a pause before JJ's voice is back on the line, "Eight hours, twenty nine minutes and forty eight seconds, forty nine second, fifty second-"

"Okay okay. JJ just... take some medication or something." Because he really needs to calm down. Neither of us are going to find Emily if we're both complete messes. "Is Katie looking for her too?"

JJ surprises me with his answer. "She's worried sick. Called everyone up and we're all looking for her. Well not Cook. But Effy's checking the school. Katie and Freddy are looking around the cafes. Pandora and Thomas are... I dunno." Katie and Freddy... wow.

"Go back to Emily's place. Maybe she's gone back home." I reason, although if she's not there, I know exactly where she is. Or I'd like to think I know. I'd like to think that I know her. I hope I do. I get on my bike and begin to pedal as I hang up on JJ. I wonder if Katie, like me, cares more about Emily than she lets on.

Emily's quite the opposite. When she cares about something, she's very straightforward about it. I guess Katie's way of caring is a little more akin to tough love. Brutal is more like it. Getting to where I'd like to be takes much longer than I remember, but then again, I'd only been there once. I realize I may not even be going the right way.

I remember the long downhill road, and that sign. I muddle my way through and wished I had paid more attention when Emily brought me there. Eventually, I find my way.

She's sitting on the dirt, spliff between her lips, hand gripping onto the neck of a bottle of vodka that's on the ground next to her. Her feet are kicking rocks into the water in front of her. Her hair is a mess and her hand is shaking as she pulls the spliff away to blow out the smoke she'd inhaled. She's a mess.

But she's so beautiful.

I set my bike down as softly as I can to the ground. "Hey." I say softly, trying not to startle her. Even at night, it's peaceful. I watch the light bounce off the moon onto the water as she looks back at me, wiping her eyes as she does so even though I don't see any tears.

Quietly, I sit down next to her. She offers me the spliff and I take it. It looks as if she's been here the entire time. She shivers, her teeth chattering, her face puffy from crying. I'm sure she looks like me, except not as warm. I take off my coat and put it over her shoulders. "Thank you." She says in almost a whisper. We sit there in silence again, but I really feel like I should say something.

"Should I ask what happened?" I already know what happened, but I think that if Emily wants, it would help if she let it out. She flicks the finished off spliff into the water and uncaps the bottle of vodka to take a deep sip.

"JJ outed me to Katie..." She picks up a stick from the ground and etches the dirt with it. "I should thank him... saved me the trouble really. She was going to find out eventually... and she was going to hate me eventually."

"Katie doesn't hate you." Never in a million years would I imagine myself defending Katie Fitch. Never in a million years.

"You didn't see the look on her face, Naomi. It's like I'd turned into some sort of freak." Frustrated, she throws the stick out into the water as well. It doesn't seem to help because right after, she takes another swig of the alcohol. She's nearly topped off the entire bottle all by herself.

"She's worried sick, Em. They all are. They're looking all over for you." I should admit that deep down inside, I feel special that I'm the one who found her. Because I do know her. I know I shouldn't, but I scoot closer to her. She's still shivering even underneath my coat. I know that she's still cross, what with everything that happened yesterday.

It's not about that right now. I put my arm around her, hugging her tightly to my side. She buries her head against my neck and cries. I can smell the vodka on her. Christ, she is fucked off her face right now. I close my eyes and hold back my own tears. She has the same insecurities as me. She's just as afraid, but above everything, I know she wants me.

She deserves to be wanted back the same way.

She deserves to have someone there for her when times get rough. It's not fair to her that I keep running away. It's not fair that I expect us to be together, but not have to deal with the consequences. The hardest things in life are worth struggling for. I shift so that I can embrace her entirely, pulling her body so that she leans into me. Emily is worth struggling for. She's worth it all.

I pull back and kiss her tears away, wiping the tracks away with my thumbs as I cup her cheeks. I smile at her and playfully 'tsk' her as I shake my head. "What am I going to do with you." I whisper jokingly.

We stay like that for a while, at the pond, listening to the quiet before I get up. Emily has some difficulty getting on the front of my bike when I begin to pedal us away from this place. Apparently, she was so distraught, she didn't bother to grab a bike. She walked the entire way. We laugh a little as I try my hardest to pedal us up the large hill I'd previously skidded down. Eventually we both give up and walk our way up the hill.

I take us back to my house because I think I know Emily and I don't think she's ready to face Katie quite yet. So I call her sister for her.

"What the fuck do you want?" Says the voice on the other end within two rings. Katie seems none too happy, but as hard as she tries to hide it, I can still hear her voice crack, hoarse from crying.

"I found her. She's at my place right now." Even though I can't see Katie's face, I somehow feel a rush of relief flood through my cell phone. She sighs and says nothing for a little while, just letting the information soak in.

"Great. Freddy and I will be by to pick her up." I watch as Emily slips off the coat I'd given her, then her shoes and her skirt. She strips her light jacket, leaving only her shirt and panties. Robotically, she moves towards the bed and gets in, not saying a word the entire time. She doesn't lie down though. She's looking at me. Waiting. Waiting for me. I offer her a warm smile before turning my attention back to the phone.

"No. I think she wants to stay here tonight." I shut my eyes and wait for the onslaught to arrive.

"What the hell do you mean stay there? I will not have you taking advantage of my sister! She is coming home this instant. Put her on the phone." Her voice sometimes sounds like a cat being strangled as it's scraping its claws across a chalkboard. Other times it sounds like a dog barking. Right now, it's the latter.

"Katie, promise I'm not going to fuck your sister." I say rolling my eyes but I see Emily frown at this, out of the loop with what's going on. "Tonight." I add on as fluently as I can. "We're nothing like that. Just let her get herself sorted out and she'll be there in the morning."

All Katie says is a dismissive 'whatever' before she hangs up the phone. Not even a 'bye'. Nothing. Just hangs up.

I mirror what Emily did earlier and strip off most of my clothes before crawling into bed. She lays down with her back to me and I scoot in close to her. I want her to know that I'm there for her, and I will continue to be there for her. No more running. At least, not if I can help it.

Hugging her closely to me, I whisper in her ear, "I'm here for you, Em. No matter what... I'm going to try. That's all I can promise, but I...I won't let you down... I..." I stop talking because she's interrupted me with her light snoring.

I think I may love you just a little bit.


	7. Chapter 7: The Immovable Object

Title: Not the Same

Author: D (pleasefuckoff)

Rating: M

Disclaimer: Not mine, not mine, not mine. :[ So don't rub it in.

Author's Note: I've finished school! And I'm ready to start concentrating on this fic! Yay everyone. :] Now if only my favorite fic would update. meingeheimnis, if ever you happen to read this, I'm begging in my own fic for you to update. haha. Anywho, here's the next installment of NtS. We have a few more chapters until we hit the lovely NSFW section which is a big section so pardon me. I'm disclaiming now that I am not a pervert. I'm not. :[

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I'm not sure what happened between Katie and Emily. I just know that Emily woke late (like she always does) and without a word, got dressed, ready to leave. She still looked rather pissed, so I really didn't want to push anything. I tried, though, tried to talk to her, or get her to talk to me. I pled her even, but she wasn't listening. She just said she had to go home. I stopped her before she left, placed an awkward kiss on her cheek, and leaned back against the wall as she opened the front door to my house and left.

I'm not sure what's going to happen. I'll admit I'm a little scared. My mum's cancelled her dinner with Kieran to spend time with me. She's concerned. Frankly, I'm a little concerned myself. I'm acting like a lunatic. A complete lunatic. I wonder, as I stick a fork at my food, if Emily's eating now. Or if Emily's still arguing with Katie, or if they're even speaking at all to one another. Not knowing is killing me. Emily hasn't phoned me. It's been forever. In the span of my entire life, a day may not be a lot, but it's forever for me. It's driving me mad.

"Did you want to go to the cinema today, darling? Or possibly go out for some ice cream?" The look of disdain I offer her should be a clear no, but I can't really be mad at her. Mum's just trying to get me out of this mood I've been in since Emily left. I'm not even trying to hide it anymore. Emily leaving made me upset. I'll even tell her.

"What's wrong, sweetheart? Why won't you just tell me what's happened? What is it?" When she looks at me, I feel like if she keeps looking, she'll eventually know. Know that Emily is why I'm upset. That Emily Fitch has branded every inch of her daughter's skin with her lips and tongue. That the name Emily Fitch is spelled everywhere on me. I look down at my food.

Or maybe I won't tell her. Because I'm a coward. I'm afraid of what's going to happen if I do tell her. "Just not feeling well, mum." I lie through my teeth as I clean off my plate. I don't want to be in this house anymore. "I'm going out. Got to clear my head." I say and make it past her before she can object.

At a loss for what to do, I find myself just walking the sidewalk in any random direction. Every time I think of Emily, I walk with more determination until my feet ache. I want her to call me. I want to hear her voice. Jesus, I need to hear her voice. I'm so worried that she's not okay, it's nearly killing me. And what if she runs away from me? Emily's always been the one to stick around. I shove her away, she comes back. I'm afraid she's not going to come back this time. The thought of her running from me breaks my heart.

Except that's exactly what I've been doing to her, isn't it?

I am so very stupid. Shaking my head, I sigh, readjusting my purse just as I hear my ringtone pour out of it. I close my eyes and pray that it's Emily.

But it's not. It's Effy. I guess it's not too shocking. With everything's that's going on, Effy doesn't really have too many friends. No offense to her or anything. It's just Katie and Freddy together, which I'm not sure she knows about, then Cook being Cook, and Pandora off with Thomas, where does that leave her?

"Hello?" I pick up the phone, slowing my pace as I walk. I've been walking forever now.

"Hey." Her voice comes through the other side softly and effortlessly, everything that Effy is, or puts on to be: soft and effortless. "Are you going to Thomas's event tonight?" Right. He mentioned that. I shut my eyes to try and calm myself a bit because the first thing I think about is whether or not Emily's going to be there.

"Possibly." I say, not because I have something to do, but because I really don't think I'm up for it. Loud music. Alcohol. Drugs. Loads of strangers you don't have to speak to. Actually, that doesn't sound all too bad. "Yeah. Yeah... I'll go." I amend, chewing on my lip.

"Great." She says, almost sounding excited by it. Not completely though, it's a very mellow kind of happy, completely different from that of her best friend. I imagine Pandora isn't going with her if she's asking me. I'm not putting myself down or anything, but I'm not prime choice when it comes to the world of Effy. I look at my watch, the gold one I never take off, to try and calculate how far off this event actually is. Since it's already, seven, I suppose I should walk back and get ready.

She's hung up and I shut my phone in turn. I guess I have something to do now. It's probably better this way because if I have something to do, I won't think about her as much, or I'd like to think I won't.

As much as most of me says I won't, part of me knows I will.

The walk back was even longer than the walk to... wherever I was. I'm amazed I walked that far to begin with. By the time I return, I see a note from my mum. She's gone to Kieran's and the thought of that makes me shudder. Then again, someone in this house deserves to be happy, and after everything, I'm fairly sure that someone isn't me.

I get to my room and get ready... thinking about Emily the entire time. My room is filled with memories of her. The few memories I have with her flood through me because they're stronger, happier, more intense than any of memory I have in this house. Everything else seems to pale in comparison.

This is all sorts of pathetic, I think to myself as I get a move on. I need to get the fuck out of my room. I need to stop thinking. I need to just get away because I don't need her. I don't need her so I need to stop acting like I do. I call a taxi because seriously, I've done enough walking for today. The driver smells like beer and although I'm not sure it's a good idea to be in the car with him, it's only a short drive.

We arrive without incident. Thank Christ. I pay him and he grunts something I don't bother to decipher as I get out of the car. The line is extremely long and I soak in the glorious thought that there will be a building packed full of people who have no clue who I am. I shuffle my way through the crowd until I see Effy.

I don't think the people behind me are too please that I've just jumped their line, but I really could care less what they think. They should appreciate I at least said sorry as I pushed past them. "Hey." She says to me when I near her, and I give her a good look up and down. She doesn't look too well, a little shaken, and a bit of a mess, even for Effy. Effy is always a beautiful mess, just now, and I don't think it's just the poor lighting of the lamps outside, she seems a bit more undone than usual.

"Are you okay?" I ask her, concerned with what's gone on. There's been so much going on. There always is, it seems to be, with the people I hang around with. She gives a tightlipped smile and shrugs off my question, like it's nothing. I know there's something but she doesn't want to talk about it. I can tell my her body language. It's not all that hard to read.

"No Cook?" I press, assuming that that's what's happened. Maybe they had a little tiff or something. Or maybe Cook's done something stupid, the way that Cook always does something stupid. Now she's a little confused even though her facial features are trying not to let on that she's baffled by what I just said.

"Why would there be a Cook?" She asks this a little defensively, her well-sculpted eyebrows raising in emphasis. Why wouldn't there be a Cook?

"You're seeing him aren't you?" I try and reason, fiddling with backpockets of my floral skirt. She doesn't look one bit pleased where this conversation is going. I feel like I'm totally off base. I'm usually much more attentive than this. Maybe I just misread the signs.

"Fucking him occasionally, I'm not... seeing him." The words 'seeing him' seem to disturb her a little bit. Fucking him. Seeing him. Isn't it the same thing? I drop my hands and lean back a bit, very confused. Is there a difference?

"There's a distinction?" I felt like sleeping with Emily, however brief (and enjoyable) a moment it was, constituted us as 'seeing' one another. Wrong?

"Yeah." She says weakly. I don't know who she's trying to convince: me or herself. I nod, taking this information in. Effy and I don't often talk and neither of us have ever given one another the notion that we wanted to get to know one another. I take this in and try to apply it to Emily and myself. Was I not 'seeing' her? Did I-do I have an obligation to her? Any obligation? Are we together? So many unanswered questions. Questions I know I can get answers to, but questions I don't ask because I don't _want_ to know the answers to.

"No Emily?" She asks me and it stuns me, like she can read my mind. I'm filled with a sense of embarrassment and fear. I open my mouth to say something, but before I can, Effy halts me. "Truth." She demands. I know she could tell I was about to lie my fucking face off, so there's really no point in trying to lie some more.

"Is it that obvious?" I ask, not able to look her in the eye as I do so. Is it some open secret that everyone just seems to know? JJ knows. Katie and Freddy know. I think Cook knows, but then again, Cook is Cook, half the things he says are just to get people riled up.

"Don't have to be a genius to work it out." I smile. I suppose that's true. After everything that's happened. Effy watched me stare at Emily for three days. She'd have to be a special kind of stupid or a very ignorant and oblivious twin sister to not be able to work it out.

She smiles back at me and I think the conversation's finished, but it's not. "So?" Effy asks expectantly. So what?

"So I'm straight." I counter exasperatedly. I feel like I'm defending myself here, like I'm doing something wrong and I need to prove myself innocent. I don't like that feeling.

"You sure?" She asks, almost immediately. Am I? Am I really sure?

No. No I'm not. I take a moment before looking her dead in the eye, "If I said no... then I'd regret it." I'd more than regret it. I'd be brandished for the rest of my life. I get enough shit now from Katie and Cook. I can't imagine the kind of shit I'd get if all those 'rumors' were true.

"Probably... but... not because of me." She says in an apathetic way that's more caring than anything I've heard from Effy in a very long time. She smirks at me and I smile back, a little relieved really. I look down and give a rueful look before looking back at her.

"We're objects of lust." I say sarcastically.

"Making you feel good?" She asks, obviously entertained by this notion.

"Not really." I quip back quickly and seriously.

"So, I say that we go in there and get so monumentally fucked up that we forget all about-" That sounds like splendid plan. I smile at this, but notice that she hasn't finished her sentence. In fact, she's not even looking at me. She's looking back at the end of the line. Curiosity dictates that I have to turn around. When I do, who is it I see but a bit tall shaggy looking head sticking out above the crowd near the end of the line. Freddy. With Katie in tow.

For an instant, I'm relieved because I don't see Emily and if there's a Katie and there's no Emily, then there's no Emily at all for the entire night. She's probably at home. Which is a good thing for me because as much as I want to see her, know that she's okay, I don't want to see her. I can't deal with that yet. As much as I want to be there for her, I'm not sure I'm even there for myself half the time. I don't want to fuck things up. Seeing her would be too much. For both of us.

He looks at me as well, and a flash of hurt and shame passes through him. I recognize that look. A look that says, 'I'm not with the person I should be with'. I've given myself that same look all the time, telling myself I should be ashamed because I'm not brave. Not brave enough for her. Then, like magic, I put it all together. My mouth drops open. No way. No. Way.

"No." I say and Effy looks up at me, a little afraid. I look back to Freddy and Katie just to make sure I've got it right. Yep. Very right. "Oh my god." I can't hold back the shit-eating grin that is busting through onto my face. She tries to say no, but the look in her eye is saying yes. Very much yes. "That's fucked up." She says no again. Effy's been fucking Freddy's best friend when she... and she... and he obviously... That's completely fucked up. "You love him."

"No." She says again, more emphatically than ever, but there's no denying it anymore.

"Oh yes." Very much yes. "You love the lips." I am too proud of myself for figuring that one out. It really doesn't take a genius to figure out, I guess. "Oh my god. Go on, lie to me." I dare her, "I want to see this."

She doesn't get a chance to respond. Thomas is calling us over and up to the front of the line. I expect her to say something, but she doesn't answer. He's calling Freddy and Katie over now and I'm watching Effy just to gauge her reaction. She's stone silent.

Thomas is completely obvious to the awkwardness that washes through all of us when Freddy and Katie come into proximity. I'm fucking her sister. Effy's fucking his best friend. What a pair we are. I try not to look at Katie. I know she's right next to me. "Hey." She says hesitantly and I'm surprised she's said anything at all, let alone something... not insulting. I wait a moment, but she doesn't say anything more than that.

"Aren't you going to be bitchy to me, Katie?" Especially after everything that's happened with Emily? I'd almost like her to bitch me out, just so I feel like there's a penance for treating Emily the way I did. Not that that alone would be enough.

"Yeah sure..." She says, still hesitant. "Give me time." I don't know what she means by that and I sure as hell do not trust her. And just when I think that the moment can't get more tense or awkward, Thomas announces there's more friends. Cook. Cook and JJ. Never say never, I suppose. Wonderful. Just wonderful. Thomas is just obliviously happy.

"The band est formidable. Formidable!" He seems so excited. "Everything is great. Everyone is together. Panda is coming." I'm mildly surprised by this because Pandora doesn't normally get let out so late in the night. After meeting her mother, I can see why. "And Emily is already here." What? I look at Katie and she has the same shocked look on her face.

"Where?" We look to each other as if asking the other person if they knew anything about this. I didn't. Not a clue. The look on her face is telling me she doesn't either.

Somehow I don't think this is a good thing.


	8. Chapter 8: The Reason Why

Title: Not the Same

Author: D (pleasefuckoff)

Rating: M

Disclaimer: Not mine, not mine, not mine. :[ So don't rub it in.

Author's Note: I know. As a forewarning, this is slightly Effy/Naomi centric. Okay no, it's entirely Effy/Naomi centric and it will be thoroughly explained. I promise. This is a delayed update and I apologize to everyone who's faithfully followed and given thoughtful feedback. Plus, super sorry, Lauren. I suck at keeping my word don't I?

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For a moment, and mind you, it's just a moment, Katie and I have an understanding between us, a mutual concern. We're walking into the building together through the semi-quiet entrance with the rest of the group, but further to the back. Katie's let go of Freddy's hand, and I've waved Effy on for now. Eventually, they're a good distance away from us, leaving just Katie and me near the front desk.

"I'll find her." I cross my arms over my chest defiantly. Somehow, both of us know that Emily's not in good shape and has no reason to be out. She's probably sloshed by now. My chest bubbles up in worry at that thought.

"No," Katie says, but it's not the demanding bark that she usually sports. It doesn't have that angry edge in it. It's a split second, but I can hear the love she has for Emily. And it's a split second, but it's almost okay the way that Katie treats her. "I'll get her." She sighs. I bet she's upset her night's ruined. "I'll take her home. Just... keep an eye out on Freddy for me, yeah?"

I want to open my mouth to say something. That I can't stop Freddy from loving Effy. I feel torn between two sides. This is Katie. She's definitely a bitch to me, but she's Emily's sister. I feel like I have some sort of loyalty to her by doing right by Katie, but then again, I know a little something about not being able to be with the person you want to be with. "Yeah..." I agree, against my better judgment. "Get her to call me?"

Katie's stare hardens. "Don't push it." She says before turning and leaving. I roll my eyes. Of course she can't be decent for an entire night. That would be asking far too much. Not like I can have a good time because I'm even more worried now about Emily than ever before. Still, I push my way through the crowd and try to find Effy.

I expect her to be with Pandora, but when I find Pandora and Thomas, Effy's nowhere to be found. I think she may be avoiding the pair. She does have a penchant for pushing away happy, functional couples. Not like there's such thing as a happy functional couple in our lot, but if anything, Thomas and Pandora are the closest thing. The most normal couple in Bristol, one who isn't even from England, and the other one who's possibly from another planet. Ironic really.

Effy's knocking down some vodka when I find her. I'm impressed that she managed to find some so quickly with what little money she brought with her. "Hey." I scream at her. I have to scream because the music is so damn loud. She turns around and offers me a slight smile. The same slight smile that reassured me in line earlier. I smile back and watch as she take another long sip before offering me some. And Christ do I need it. I suck as much down as I can, cringing as the bitter taste washes down my throat, then coughing when I feel a heat burning up my chest. I feel like I'm breathing fire.

She laughs a little at how eagerly I gulped down the alcohol and takes my hand. "Come on." Effy looks off in the crowd one last time with a sad smile. I follow her line of sight to the same tall shaggy haired boy her eyes have been trained on since I've met her and I wonder how it took me this long to figure it out. She takes me out to the crowd of people and starts to dance.

Awkwardly, I move to the beat as well. It's not that I can't dance, it's just that I don't know what's right and what's not when it comes to dancing with Effy. I know what's right when it comes to Emily because that's all very simple. Anything's right as long as it's with Emily. Everything is fine as long as it's with Emily, but this isn't Emily. Effy presses her back to my front and begins to rub up against me.

She's dancing with me like I'm a boy, smiling as she does so. I credit it to the vodka. Somehow it's less awkward when she's closer. She lets me dance with her like she's... but I place my hands on her hips, and I know immediately that she's not Emily. There's some sense of happiness within me though, that Effy is comfortable enough to be so close to me. At the same time, there's a sense of dread. Because with Effy, I feel nothing. With Emily, I feel everything. I feel too much. So what does that say about how I feel for Emily?

It's not entirely bad, the dancing that is. Effy is a very good dancer, or possibly just very drunk in a very short amount of time. Either way, I start to enjoy my time, enjoy the music, and the dancing. The very good dancing.

And we don't stop the good dancing. I feel her begin to sweat. She presses closer to me and it's too much. It's too much because it's not Emily and it's all making me realize things I don't want to realize. I'm getting answers I never asked questions to. Answers I didn't want. Effy presses closer still to me, but we're broken apart by a group of boys running from the other end of the club. There's a loud commotion and Effy and I can both see that there's a fight breaking though. It's very vague, though with the dim light of the club and the loud music hindering our view of everything.

I can see the fight dying down and some of the participants breaking apart. Effy and I look at one another, confused as to what just happened. "Wasn't that your friend?" The girl who was dancing with a stocky boy in front of us asks Effy. She looks confused. "The one with the polo. He came with you right?" She's yelling loudly over the sound of the music, but the words are still jumbled up. "He just got the shit beat out of him!"

Effy turns around and looks at me before walking off in the direction that the girl pointed off to. I follow her. "What did she say?" I ask her because I couldn't quite catch on to all the words.

"I think Cook got into a fight." She says simply and evenly as she continues to walk, pushing people out of her way as she went. I frown, concerned myself as I follow her. We make it to a somewhat crowded room badly lit by some blue light. "What's going on, someone said he-" Effy doesn't finish her sentence and I make it past her to see exactly why. Cook looks like his face was smashed into a meat grinder. She looks at Freddy and he gives a hard stare back.

"He's yours I think." With that, Freddy walks away. In a sense, I did keep my word in keeping an eye out on Freddy. I was with Effy, the only reason Freddy needed an eye kept on. Effy looks totally busted as he walks past her. I look back at Cook, who seems to have passed out and look up with a sigh. Wonderful. We live in such interesting times, I think to myself as Effy walks away, in the opposite direction that Freddy went.

I follow her as JJ kneels down to make sure Cook's still alive. I have no doubt he is. Cook's like a cockroach. A sodding nuclear bomb couldn't kill the bastard. "Effy." I say as she exits the club. "Effy!" I scream louder. My ears are still ringing from the music in the building.

She turns around, wiping the tears away from her face. I don't think I've ever seen Effy cry. She's always so... composed. Anything that I was prepared to say just goes up in smoke when I see her. I don't think Effy can say much of anything either. So we just walk, towards Effy's house I take it. We're quiet, just keeping one another company and staving off the chaos in our minds.

"Never a dull moment, right?" I ask her, breaking the ice, and trying to lighten her mood, both our moods really... She scoffs a bit, laughs a bit, then nods.

"Yeah. I guess so." She says quietly as we continue to walk. I've been to Effy's house once and I'm terrible with directions, but I'm becoming more and more certain that that's where we're going. I don't know if she wants me to leave her alone right now. I just know I don't want to be left alone right now. Call me selfish, but I don't want to be by myself. If I'm by myself, all I'll end up doing is think about Emily. Then I'll want to visit her which at this time of night, is not a good idea.

"Tell me." She says as she stops in front of a stoop I assume is her stoop. I give her a shrug to go on. "Do you think love makes a difference?" This is the first time Effy's really said more than a total of five words to me in one breath. She's a pretty... monosyllabic kind of girl.

Effy could be talking about a million different things. She could be talking about her parents, or Freddy, or hell, Cook even. I'm not sure. I look in her eyes, hope I can read them the same way Emily is so easily read, but I can't see a thing. Nothing's the same when it's not Emily. I decide to just answer with the truth. "I'm not sure." It's not the answer she wants. It's not the answer I want either.

She opens the door and turns around, waiting for me to follow. It's much too late for me to be marching into my house anyway. My mum's a light sleeper and chances are she's going to bite my head off for partying on what's technically a school night. Her town home smells like cigarettes. It's the first thing I notice.

We walk past her mother, completely knocked out on the couch. There's an empty bottle of wine on the end table and a near empty glass. Effy starts to walk up the stairs, not paying any mind whatsoever to her mother. I follow her up to her room. She looks around for some clothes and stops at the door way after I've sat down on her bed. "I'm... I'm gonna go get cleaned up. You can use it after me." She offers and she's gone.

I'm much too tired to take a taxi home anyway and a little afraid that I'm going to get another intoxicated driver. Especially this late at night. I fall to the side onto Effy's bed and sigh. What a disastrous mess. Everything's all... mucked up. I shut my eyes and rest for a while. Just a little while.

I'm startled when someone shakes my arm. When I look up, it's a wet haired Effy, smelling like... not club. "Did you want to shower?" She asks me as I sit up. I breathe in deeply, debating this, but the smell that overtakes me settles it. Yes. Definitely yes. She hands me a shirt and a pair of shorts. A shirt I would never in my life wear and shorts that look like a pair of knickers I own. They could pass for a wide belt. I walk into the restroom and turn on the shower.

Being an only child, I'm not used to being second in the shower, but it's not all too bad. The water's not as hot and everything's already wet and dank by the time you get there, but it's bearable. Emily always complains about being second in the shower, but then again, I don't have Katie to follow. There are no wet towels on the floor and the water is still hot. I shower quickly partly because I feel a bit uncomfortable showering in Effy's home. We're not that well acquainted.

I hear faint sounds of crying when I get back to her room. Gently, I push the door open. Effy is sitting at the head of the bed, wiping away more tears. This is the second time I've ever seen Effy cry and the second time tonight. "You okay, Eff?" I ask for the second time tonight, this time with more concern than before. I sit down on the edge of the bed next to her as she wipes away her sniffles.

"I'm fine." She lies blatantly as she wipes away more tears. I roll my eyes and sigh. Sure she is. "Sometimes... sometimes I wonder. What would've happened if I just... let things be. God if I didn't shag Cook the first day of college." She's mad at herself. Seething with regret... and laughing at herself all at the same time. She looks completely off her nut. "You're the last person I'd expect to talk to."

Honestly, I'm not offended by that because I'm the last person I'd expect her to talk to also, but somehow it just works. I put a hand on her knee and she looks at me. The hurt in her eyes are spilling through now. "I don't need Freddy." She says with conviction.

I laugh bitterly. "I say the same thing about Emily." I confess in a whisper, but it only makes her cry even harder. Pursing my lips shut, I want to slap myself. I'm not very adept at saying the right thing. In fact I normally do the opposite. For me to say something or do something that's considered 'right' is a bit of a rarity. "Effy, you can't help who you love. You're not meant to." Take it from someone who knows first hand, I think to myself. Do I love her though?

Maybe a bit.

She cries even harder, hard enough to make her lean forward. For a second I think she's going to retch, but she doesn't. Effy falls into my lap and continues to cry. I look down at the beautiful mess that she is and run a hand through her wetted and tangled brown hair. I let her cry for the both of us. I hate crying. I've also decided that I hate watching people cry. The thought of Emily crying breaks my heart in so many devastating ways and to think that I was the one who made her cry?

"It's too much." Her hysterical sobs wracked through her like electrical shocks. She moved off of my lap, crying even harder. I tried my best to shush her, but Effy was crying so hard, I thought she'd vomit out her heart.

"I just-- I jus- wa-wan-" Her voice stutters as she speaks, out of breath from the crying. I lean up and slip under the covers with her. "I just feel so alone." She finally whispers, hiccups and shallow breaths breaking up each of the syllables.

It's funny because if there's anyone who can empathize, it's me. It's funny how the world works sometimes. I never imagined myself anything like Effy. She begins yet another wave of crying. Chewing on my lip, I just watch her, propped up on an elbow. Tentatively, I continue to run my fingers through her hair.

"Shh... it'll be okay, Effs. It'll be okay." I try and convince her, scooting closer to her. I've never seen anyone cry so hard in my entire life. Not even that one time when my dad came back into town and left. I was five. Mum cried and threw up and cried even harder. My little five year old arms could only wrap halfway around her waist. I remember holding her as she cried. I remember thinking that if I held her just a bit tighter, it would make things better. Just a bit tighter.

My arms fit easily around Effy's slim waist. I can feel her tears dripping down onto my collarbone and wetting the shirt I'm borrowing from her. She shifts closer and cries softer and harder all at the same time, if that were even possible. I don't let go because as much as I'm consoling Effy, she's consoling me. I hold her the entire night, telling her it'll be okay, it'll be alright, everything will be okay.

When I hope she's not looking, I wipe away the tear tracks on my cheeks.

I lie to myself and tell myself that everything will be okay for me as well.


	9. Chapter 9: Be Be Your Love

Title: Not the Same

Author: D (pleasefuckoff)

Rating: M

Disclaimer: Not mine, not mine, not mine. :[ So don't rub it in.

Author's Note: Okay so it's a million years later and I have an update. You kids still love me don't you? Please say you do. 3

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I'm groggy when I wake, not sure when exactly it was that I fell asleep the previous night. There's just enough time for me to register that this is not my bed, there is someone in my arms, and I have clothes on before the door bursts open. "Effy! Look who I found on the way her-" Pandora's voice rounds past the door. Effy? I start to sit up, trying not to knock Effy's head off my shoulder just as I make eye contact with Pandora's wide wide eyes.

The girl immediately turns around and starts shoving someone back out the threshold of the door, but it's too late. Freddy's seen me. Seen her. Seen us and there's a shocked and painful look on his face. I look at Effy, her hair a mess, then myself, then our proximity to one another. No. Seriously. No. Never in a millio- Pandora doesn't need to push anymore because with one last look to Effy, who's now awake, he storms out. I roll my eyes.

"Blimey Christ." I mutter as I get out from under the covers. Pandora's standing there rocking back from the heel to the balls of her feet, not saying a single word. Clothes. I need clothes. Looking around, I find where I'd put my clothes from the previous night. I cringe when I smell the entire culmination of the previous night on my shirt as I put it on.

"Freddy was gonna go pick up some breakfast. Saw him on the sidewalk... I invited him to come with us." Pandora explained as Effy too started to move off the bed. Pandora's invited me once to one of their breakfast hot chocolates and toast. I think she invites anyone that she meets on the sidewalk on the way to Effy's house. It's how we met George, the juggling hobo and Trixie the prostitute. Quaint isn't it?

There's a pause as Pandora looks between the two of us. Finally, she points and gestures back and forth from a now dressed me and a still-dressing Effy. "You two didn-" Don't be ridiculous. I frown as I grab my purse.

"Of course not." I say in time with Effy. The way I say it is just mean. The way she says it makes it sound like you'd be stupid to think otherwise. Panda must be stupid because she's not acting like she believes us. I sigh and begin to walk out the door. With one last look back, Effy offers me a thankful smile, like there are no words for the gratitude she expresses for being there for her last night. I smile back and nod before leaving.

What a mess. I think as I catch a cab to my house. What makes anyone think I'm gay anyway? Never in a million years would I shag Effy. No offense to her or anything. She's not my type. Much too confident and up on herself. Again, not like that's a bad thing. It's just not my thing. If ever I considered a girl (as far off an idea as it is), I'd rather someone more humble and warm, passionate about the people they're with, not cold like Effy is with Freddy. Someone who's not afraid to chase after what they want.

Seriously though. Why would Effy and I ever...? Surely Freddy isn't that dense. At least I hope not. I pay my fare and walk into my house, concentrating on all these thoughts swirling in my head. I don't hear my mum yelling at me about how I disappeared and demanding an explanation of my whereabouts the previous night. I take another quick shower and change, knowing that I'm probably late. Not like I really care.

I'm right though. Because I am late for college. It's in full swing by the time I get there. Everyone is getting ready for second class and after the first half of it, I've decided that it is a ticking time bomb waiting to happen. Emily has refused to look anywhere other than Katie or the teacher and Freddy has been shooting me looks like he wants to bludgeon me with a baseball bat or something more or less blunt but equally, if not more lethal. To say that this was awkward would be the understatement of the year.

Despite the looks (or lack thereof), college passes relatively without incident. So far the looks are harmless even if they are overwhelmingly uncomfortable. I open my locker and pull out the books I need for homework tonight.

Again, without incident, I get home. I don't even get a chance to dump my bag before the phone rings. I knew I couldn't get away with a full day without just one more emotional train wreck. It was too good to be true. "Yes?" I answered on the phone.

"Hey. It's JJ. Uh Freddy wants you to come by the shed." I chew on my lip and mull it over a bit. It sounds like he's really going to axe me or something, taking me out to the shed for slaughter. But for some reason, I agree. I feel like I have to set things right. I hate that about myself. So I hop a bus to Freddy's house and take a walk into the backyard, to the infamous shed I've heard so much about. It's like the library. Everyone knows where it is, but no one really goes there unless there's a reason to.

I give the rickety door a knock and a few moments later, the door opens with Freddy behind it, spliff pinched between his lips. He looks a mess. His hair is ruffled and his clothes in disarray and not in the 'I've just been snogging' kind of way either. In the 'My girl's been shagging both my best friend and another girl' kind of way. Freddy doesn't say anything to me. Instead he sits back down on the couch at the other end of the door and lights up his spliff.

"You wanted to speak with me?" I ask after another long pause with no word from Freddy. He looks up at me, his mouth open, ready to speak, but no words come out. Some strangled noises at the back of his throat bubble through, but nothing coherent. Sighing, he shakes his head and leans back against the couch.

"You know, I did, but now that you're here, I'm not quite sure what to say. I mean... really... I have no right to be upset. You shaggin' Effy has absolutely nothing to do with you." He takes another puff, letting the smoke out in light donut shaped rings, trying to concentrate more on the smoke than the conversation.

"I didn't do anything with Effy." I say defiantly, taking a few steps towards Freddy even though he's looking progressively pissed.

His hands clap shut together and he brings them to his lips as if to stop himself from saying something he wants to say. "So what is it. Couldn't have Emily so you'd have a go at Effy? Why don't you try for Katie, hm? Bit more of a challenge. Complete homophobe and my damned girlfriend. How about that?" I know he doesn't mean what he says. I know that Freddy's just pissed, but his words are terrible. They cut at me like little papercuts.

"I don't want Katie. I don't want Effy." I say to him honestly through grit teeth. Freddy is way out of line on this one.

"Then why'd you fuck her, Naomi? Why? Were you thinking of Emily the whole time? Hm? Were you? Did she scream your name when you fucked her? Did you wish it was Emily?" He's standing up now, leaning forward in a menacing manner and making loud gestures like a lunatic.

"I didn't fuck her!" I bellow out without fear. I am pissed. His words are pushing at my buttons and I know that this is a misunderstanding, but I am about to put my foot straight through No Man's Land. A beat passes and he turns away momentarily as if he's trying to compose himself yet again before he roars out.

"You bloody well did fuck Effy. I saw you two! Saw to her good and well didn't you?" The sound of the door slamming shut punctuates Freddy's words. We both look to the doorway to find the Fitch twins, both standing with their jaws on the floor. I look up to the ceiling again.

"Bloody Christ." I mutter. Only in my world. Only in my world could these out of reach impossibilities happen on a daily basis. Ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous.

Emily turns around and bolts before anyone can say anymore, before I can explain. "Emily!" I call after her, making my way towards the door, and shaking off Katie's grip on my wrist, trying to pull me back in.

"Leave her alone!" Katie screams, but I don't listen. I can't listen. Because Emily's running, so I have to run too. I turn around and look Katie dead in the eye.

"Fuck. Off." I say to her with two loud huffs. I am sick at tired of this. I am tired of Katie acting like she's the only one who cares for Emily, like she's the only one who ever could. Because you know what? I care about her. I care about what she hopes for, what she dreams about. Even more than that, I care about making it happen. I care when she's hurt or when she's happy. And right now, she's completely busted.

"You need to stop trying to fuck my sister u-" I don't listen to anymore of her senseless shit and turn heel towards the exit. I make my way out the door and barrel down the corner through the driveway. I make it out past the driveway into the street, looking back and forth. Her form is fading far off in the distance, and I break into a full sprint to try and catch up with her. Christ, I really need to get into shape.

We make it four blocks at breakneck speeds before she comes to a screeching hold, bending over and wheezing uncontrollably. I'm doing the same as I slow down right next to her. "Emily." I say again. This time, out of breath. She's turned away from me, hands on her knees, bent over like someone just kicked her in the stomach. "Emily, I didn't. I swear."

"Hurts when someone runs from you, doesn't it?" She asks and it takes me aback a bit because it's completely off topic. She's changing the subject.

"Emily... I didn't." I say again. I want her to believe me. I need her to believe me. I need her. Standing up straight, I take a step closer to her. "Emily..." I whisper, wanting to reach out to her. I can hear her sniffling. The soft sniffles she makes when she cries. She never really cries. Not entirely. They're little sniffles. She never cries loud enough for people to notice. My heart breaks. I reach for her hand, but she wretches herself away from me. I try again. She pulls away harder.

Finally, I grab her and pull her to me before she can pull away. "Emily... if it's ever a girl... it would be you." With this, she finally meets my eyes, wanting to know if it's true. It's very true. It's the only truth. "It's only ever going to be you."

I pull her in close, my arms wrapping around her waist. She struggles against me, pushing at my shoulders so she can get away, but I won't let her run. I hold onto her. Tightly. Gripping my hands around her soft sides. I've missed her. I've missed her so much. Leaning in, my half lidded eyes watch her wide ones before our lips are mere inches from one another. Her eyes flutter shut and she closes the gap between us. I kiss her with as much force as I can muster. I want her to feel it. Feel everything that I am. I want her to know I need her.

She breaks us apart when we're both gasping for breath. I whisper to her again. With certainty. If it's any girl.

"It's only ever going to be you."


	10. Chapter 10: Silence The Voice In My Head

Title: Not the Same

Author: D (pleasefuckoff)

Rating: M

Disclaimer: Not mine, not mine, not mine. :[ So don't rub it in.

Author's Note: Big update. Big WARNING: Action action, peoples. Please if you are not of consenting age, do not read.

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I dip in and kiss her again. I feel her arms wrap around my shoulders and I can't help but smile against her kiss. "We're in the middle of the street." She whispers, trying to pull away from me, but I don't let her. I don't care about anything in this world right now apart from Emily Fitch kissing my lips. I lean further in to shut her up with my mouth. She eventually complied. Thank. God.

At one point she pulls back again, "We're in public." She says again, trying a little harder to pull apart from me. I know she's normally not bothered by it enough to pull away so the only reason would be because of me.

"I don't care." I whisper back and continue to kiss her. I indulge myself a few more minutes before we break away from one another. My arms are still loosely wrapped around her waist and hers are still resting on my shoulders. We're both trying very hard to catch out breaths.

"Emily. Believe me. I wouldn't eve-" I'm trying to say ever in a million years, but I can't get the thought out because she kisses me chastely again, cutting me off.

"I know. If you had, Effy would have one or two more marks on her." Em says to me cheekily as we pull apart to start walking. I'm not sure where, but I'm just content that Emily's with me. I give her a funny look because I'm confused. I don't know what she's talking about. She gives me a look like a should, but when I don't react, she breaks out in a laugh and explains it to me.

"Honey, hate to tell you, but you're a biter. If you slept with Effy, she'd probably have a welt the size of my fist on the side of her neck and no amount of foundation can cover something like that up." I laugh at her reasoning as we walk silently (and happily) down the street. I think we're headed towards a bus to my house, but I don't open my mouth to ask. I enjoy our silence as we walk next to one another. Emily's looking straight ahead with a smile, a bit far off in her thoughts.

I take a moment to study her features, down her profile from cute slope of her nose to her lips before noticing a spot of foundation on her neck near the slope of her shoulder, the powder doing its best to conceal a dark but fading bruise just a bit bigger than a shot glass ring. Looking forward to where we're walking, I smile to myself privately at the memory.

Without looking at her, I reach out to casually take her hand. Emily's arms are swinging as she walks and she brushes past my hand at first as if thinking I had moved my hand into her personal space on accident. When she swings her arm back again, I take her hand with a little more confidence. She stumbles a bit when I hold onto it.

After catching her footing, she looks at me, then smiles down to the ground the same way I am. We walk like this the entire way to the bus stop before breaking apart. There are a few people at the stop.

Sitting silently at the stop, we don't make eye contact. I think if I look at her, I may jump her and I am being completely serious. Either that or spontaneously combust. Instead, I option to start a conversation. The only thing I can think of to talk about is what just happened. "I can't believe that really just happened. Never seen Freddy so pissed."

"Well, he did think that you slept with Effy." How many times do I have to say that I would never ever sleep with Effy? Ever. I let out a deep breath and roll my eyes. Yes, he _thinks_ that. The dumb twat.

"I was in Effy's bed," I say, emphasizing the word bed because that was all I was doing, "comforting her, ironically, comforting her because of him." Only in my world. Only in my fucked up world.

Emily frowns and turns a bit to look at me, her brows scrunched up in that cute little way when she's thinking hard about something. "Why would you be comforting Effy about Freddy?" To this, I give her an incredulous look. Emily is a smart girl, possibly the smartest in class and she hasn't figured this all out yet?

"Because Freddy? Effy?" I try to gesticulate my meaning, flailing my arms about (I'm sure) like a moron. "I was comforting Effy. Freddy walked in. Drew his own conclusions. And bloody bit my head off for it." I hear a scowl from the other side of me and I turn to the baldheaded old man with a grotesque goatee.

"Excuse me. I was trying to have a conversation. If you have something to say, you can just fuck off because nobody cares." I huff, shaking my head as I turn back around to Emily. Some people just have no manners whatsoever. "I swear. I swear to whatever you want me to swear to. Nothing inappropriate happened between me and Effy. Absolutely nothing."

Emily looks me dead in the eye for a few moments before kicking her feet down at the concrete ground. "I believe you." She nods. I know she's said it more than once now, I just need to be sure. I've never been so concerned about what some thought of me before. Her voice is lower and I just barely catch it, dripping in sincerity, "I'll believe anything you say."

We sit like that some more, just waiting for the bus. I do my best not to clock the baldheaded man next to me in the teeth because he's still making those ugly scowls at me. Emily does her best to calm me by putting her hand on my thigh. I put my hand over hers and sigh. It works.

"So where are we going?" I ask, squinting a bit as I look from one end of the street to the other, wondering where the bus is. She shrugs in the corner of my eye.

"I dunno. I assumed you probably wanted to go home. Then I was going to have a walk." Emily (like me) likes to walk. It's something we share.

"You can come over." I tell her, but then I think I'm being too forward. "If you want," I amend, fiddling a string on the fabric of my clothes. "Or we can have a walk together." I propose alternately, but add on once more, "If you want."

She's trying to act as nonchalant as I am failing at. Nonchalance is not my forte. Anything short of loud defiant yelling is not my forte. I don't do well with explanations or apologies and I'm glad that Emily isn't the one to look for either. She's not the type. She's my type. Everything she is is my type. I hold onto her hand a little tighter, suddenly afraid she'll slip away from me.

Em squeezes my hand back reassuringly and nods. "Yeah, we can go to yours." She says with a smile. I smile back just as the bus rolls up in front of us. The bus ride is quick because I'm enjoying Emily's hand in mine and I made it a point to move as far away from the goatee man as I possibly can. Which is wonderful because he smelled like cheese. French cheese.

I can't stop smiling as I let her into my house. My mum's gone. I'm not sure where she's gone to, but it isn't like I have any clue regularly. I don't really care. We walk straight to my room and I'm nervous. I'm not sure what to expect. I seriously don't want her to think I'm suddenly okay with having sex with her because like I said, it's happened once, but that was the heat of the moment... with a lot of vodka and slightly drug-induced.

Not to say that I need drugs or alcohol to have sex with Emily, it's just, well there are inhibitions involved and a lot more thinking. She leans against my dresser, looking down at the floor once more. "Cook came onto me. That night." She confesses and I feel a flame a jealousy flare out. At the same time it feels like someone's ripped something vital out of my body. Like my stomach because I suddenly feel so very nauseus.

"I was upset with coming out and... I guess I was trying to go back in just a bit. I thought I saw you and Effy dancing together. I was drunk. And Katie came by and put a stop to it, but even if she hadn't, I want you to know I don't think I could've gone through with it." She looks up at me so she meets my gaze steadily. "I wouldn't do that to you. He-he wasn't you."

Something else flames up into my head, a sudden respect for Katie, not for saving Emily, but for being the only girl who hasn't done something with Cook. Outside of Pandora, obviously. Em continues to look at me and her head tilted down chewing on her lip. I take a few steps forward, closing the gap between us and bring my hands up to her face. I kiss her, languidly, lovingly, in the privacy of my room. I want her to kiss her with the things my lips refuse to say.

It only starts to get out of hand when her hands unconsciously land onto my hips and her thumbs brush against the bare skin right under my shirt. I push her hard so she's right flush against the dresser and lean into her, my arm looping behind her head to pull her deeper into me. God who would ever think that I'd do anything like this with anyone but Emily? I feel like the pit of my stomach is a volcano. I can feel the heat starting to radiate. It's driving me insane.

Emily's hands are still burning against my hipbones, not moving and it's beyond frustrating how much she's trying to do right by me. I reach down to tug at the hem of her shirt. She abruptly pulls away and looks into my eyes, trying to find meaning or direction in them. I don't think there are.

But the look in my eyes must be speaking volumes to her because she doesn't say anything, just raises her arms so I can pull off her shirt and toss it aside. I was too shy to really touch Emily anywhere that night in the forest, but now that I have a look at her (and in better lighting), I want my hands everywhere. I kiss her again before my nerves go completely into over drive. My hands are shaking as I bring them up from gripping her arms down to her bare sides, brushing up the fabric of her bra. She whimpers against my lips as the combination of my caress and my teeth lightly biting against her lips assaults her.

Her hands are slowly sliding up my back, bringing my shirt up with them. I comply and shiver as her hands slip against the side of my breasts. Her arms wrap around my neck after she's pulled the shirt off me and I can feel it drop onto the floor behind me as she kisses me again, her tongue darting out to trace my bottom lip. I groan and run my nails up her sides, bringing her close to me so our bare midsections touch. It's electrifying.

I'm breathing heavily in ways that my mother finds annoying but in ways that make her moan as I dare to look up in her eyes. She shuts them when my gaze reaches hers, unable to keep them open any longer, and takes a deep breath, tipping her head back as she does so. When her throat becomes exposed, I can't help but lean in and suck at her pulse point. She's right. I like to bite.

Emily moans even louder in my arms. And she likes it when I bite. Her hands reach down and push at my skirt until it's pooled at my feet before she shoves me back onto the bed. I look up, resting back on my elbows as she puts a knee between my legs on the bed. I want her.

My entire body is buzzing with want, but my brain is still trying to scream at me. 'What are you doing? What the fuck are you doing?' I'm not listening. The buzzing is too loud as she leans over me and kisses me again. Emily. My Emily. I moan into her kiss. For a girl who's never had sex, she is supernaturally good. Better than any boy I've ever met. Better than my own fantasies.

I can feel her breath tickling my ear. It's not heavy, overbearing, masculine. It leaves me wanting more. "It's okay." She says simply, unclasping my bra. I whimper, my hands reaching at her and I'm not sure if my body's trying to stop her or egg her on at this point, my mind's melted into a haze. "It's okay." She repeats encouragingly and I feel her tongue trace the shell of my ear, trying to convince me. Oh god. I shudder in response, my hands gripping hard against her as I feel her slip off the straps of my bra.

Oh god oh god. Her hands drift to the waistband of my panties and my breathing starts to quicken even more. Emily glances up at me, concerned that I may hyperventilate. I really might. It's so intense. I can feel her fingertips dancing across the bottom of my stomach.

My brain is screaming again, telling me that I'm not ready. I don't want to listen. I feel myself dripping down my thigh. My heart is thudding. I've only felt this type of good once in my life, and I want it again. Reaching around, I unsnap Emily's bra. She looks up at me surprised, but then her pupils dilate. She looks like she's going to devour me as she slowly pulls off her bra.

I want her. My hand hooks around the back of her neck and I moan as I feel the skin of our breasts against one another when I take her in for a kiss. I feel the smooth skin of her breasts against mine and the feeling shoots straight through me. It's a feeling I will never forget. So good. "Naomi." Her husky voice whispers. Christ, I love how she says my name. I arch when I feel her fingers hot against the outside of my panties. She cups me and groans, hiding her head in the crook of my neck. She feels how wet I am. My entire body throbs to the pressure she builds.

Her lips suck lightly against my neck, down my collarbone, between the valley of my bare breast and down my ribcage making me inhale sharply. Her tongue traces a wet trail across my hips as her fingers dip my panties just a bit lower. No. No. My brain is winning as I sit up. I don't know if I can deal with what happens after. She's looking up at me with a piercing gaze, her lips hovering the inside of my thigh. I'm speechless. I can feel her breath on me. Light. Not overbearing. Feminine. It makes me want more despite everything. Yes. So much yes.

I submit and lift my hips as she pulls off my panties. My legs shut immediately after she's removed them. Conflicted, and my emotion swinging back to doubt, I don't think I'm ready. I don't think... Emily looks at me again, taking a step off the bed and pulling me until I'm sittting against the edge. She brings her hand up to my cheek, cupping it. Her lips cover mine, slowly, tenderly. Everything I need to push logic off the fucking cliff before she kneels down in front of me.

Fuck. I watch as her lips kiss the top of my knee, her eyes not leaving mine. Then a little higher on the top of my thigh and the other knee. She brings her lips higher up the inside of my thigh and my breath hitches. "Please." She mouths against the skin of my inner thigh. The feeling makes my insides clench. Her eyes are closed. "Let me." She whispers, her lips drifting even higher, but slowly afraid that I'll stop her. I'm not sure. I don't own my body anymore. She's making me feel so...

"I can't stop thinking about this." She confesses in an even harsher whisper before I feel her lips.

Jesus. Fucking. Christ.


	11. Chapter 11: She Loves Me

Title: Not the Same

Author: D (pleasefuckoff)

Rating: M

Disclaimer: Not mine, not mine, not mine. :[ So don't rub it in.

Author's Note: More action. Sorry. I'm a pervert.

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I wake up before her. I always do. Emily's a late sleeper and if there's no one to wake her up, or no one around, I'm sure she could hibernate for at least a month. She's really like a bear, you see. Emily Fitch eats like a supermodel who just lost her job and sleeps like a hobo with a life supply of alcohol. I really wish she would just let it out sometimes and put some people in their place (people I won't mention directly).

There's quite a bit of time before school, even if we have to go to Emily's this morning, so I just watch her, propped up on my elbow, with my free hand tracing the slope of her shoulder upt to her ear and back down. I'm mesmerized.

Honestly, I didn't think she was going to wake up, but she does just a few minutes after. Her eyes are squinty and still heavy from sleep. Her voice is croaky and groggy when she smiles up and says my name. "Naomi." I smile back. I really do love how she says my name. It's unlike... anything.

"Morning." I say softly, planting a kiss on her forehead. She grins cutely and nuzzled her face into my neck as if I've done or said something that's embarrassed her and giggles quietly like there's a secret to be told.

"Morning." She whispers back. The only reason I can hear her is because her face is close to my ear. I feel her arms wrap around me and hug me. It feels nice. I could get used to this. It'll feel new everyday, but I could get used to this new feeling every fucking day. "Naomi." She says again with a smile.

Laughing, I pull back so I can see her face. She's stifling a smile the adorable way she does, her lips pursing down like she's determined not to let the corners of her mouth rise up into a proper smile. "Yes, Emily?" I ask her in the most formal way I can muster. She looks at me and shrugs. I give her a confused look, but she just shrugs again.

"I like sayng your name." She confesses without looking at me, holding onto that suppressed smile. I think she knows that I like hearing her say it. Nothing really compares. "Naomi." She says again and I laugh some more.

"You're very annoying." I only half mean it, and Emily knows that too. She just nods like it's something matter-of-fact.

"It's morning." She says as she rolls on her back to stretch a bit. I try to sneakily watch her from the corner of my eye as her naked body slips out from under the covers just a bit. She catches me though and it makes me blush.

"Yes it is." I say back to her, looking away now and a little self conscious of my own lack of clothing.

"There's school today." She continues, yawning a bit like she's still tired. I can't imagine how she can still sleep, but then again, like I said, she's like a bear. It's freaky, really.

"Yes there is." I reply again, not understanding what she's getting at. It's nothing I couldn't draw my own conclusions to.

"You're here." I frown. Of course I'm here. But then again, I think she may be referring to my previous fantastically amazing awe-inspiring disappearing acts the other few times we've... ahem... had... well... sex. It is sex isn't it? Sort of? I mean there wasn't any strapons... or oils. Anyway, Houdini would be impressed. Not with the sex, of course, with the disappearing.

"Still." She rolls over to face me again, so close I can feel her chest barely touching mine. It makes me gasp. I nod, trying to play it cool. Play it cool. Play it cool. Calm. Calm down. Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day. Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day. Margaret Thatc-

I roll my eyes trying to pretend I'm annoyed with her once again because I feel so foreign, so beside myself. Naomi Campbell does not feel the feelings she's feeling right this very second. Feelings of lust and shyness and need. Feelings of... love? "Of course I am."

"With me." I watch her eyes darken and her voice lower. Emily Fitch does not know the power she holds over me. Deep breaths. In. Out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Calm down. Play it cool.

I smile to her, trying to lighten the mood as she scoots closer still to me. "Are you practicing the fine art of stating the obvious this morni-"

Her leg slips between mine and brushes firmly up against my center. I bit my lips instantly and forget what I was going to say. "And you're wet." Emily says with a smile, her hands reaching down to my hips. The begin a slow grind against her soft thigh and my breath hitches.

Who would have thought that Emily Fitch would be so insatiable, so devious, so... so oh god. So good. Who would have fucking thought. Her lips crash against mine and my hands grip at her upper arms, trying to anchor myself as she rolls on top of me. One hand falls to prop herself on the bed as the other continues to push me onto her thigh. Her thigh that now has a delicious amount of leverage between my legs.

"Oh god, Emily." I choke out and I don't know where it comes from, but I'm too far gone to complain. Her hand is off of my hip and I groan in frustration when I feel her remove her thigh from its pressure against me. With heaving breaths, I try and stay calm. I know Emily's not going to just leave me like this. I don't think she would.

She doesn't. Her free hand drifts down and slowly runs up and down the crevace where my thigh and hips meet. Then down on the inside of my thigh at it's junction, making me inhale sharply. She's so close to where I need her when she stops. Her hand doesn't move forward, but doesn't move back. And she looks at me intently. I can't find myself to close my eyes and neither does she as she leans in to kiss me. I kiss her back eagerly, watching as her pupils dilate when I feel her enter me, gingerly, with one finger. Just one. And Jesus nothing ever felt so good.

Her finger is moving at a slow pace as she leans back so she can have a look at me. I let her look. I will let her do whatever she pleases if she would move her finger faster because Jesus this pace is driving me fucking mad. I try to bear my hips down on her harder. I need more and she can give me so much more. She can have me thrashing and screaming. I know it's her intention, but I'm so frustrated because she's not doing any of that now. We both know what she can do to me. I whimper in frustration and bite my lip as her finger continues it slow fuck inside of me.

"Emily." I whisper wantonly and it makes her groan. Suddenly, her lips are on my neck, her thumb is on my clit and it adds an entire octave on everything I'm feeling. It's still slow, but it's so good. I close my eyes to the sensation as I feel her tongue trace the shell of my ear.

I feel the fullness as suddenly she fills me with two fingers. I moan so loudly, I'm my mum's heard it, but I don't care. That is the last thing I could care about right now as I my hands reach around to Emily's back. God the things she does to me. I've never let anyone do to me the things she's done to me. No girl. No boy even.

I flood with even more wetness when I think about last night. When I had to do everything in my power not to just grind myself against her face. How I had to ball my hands into fists onto the bedsheets when I couldn't take her teasing anymore and placed them on the back of her head. And how she smiled up at me and murmured 'It's okay' against me, taking my hand and moving it back onto the back of her head. Or the way her tongue felt as it pulsed against my throbbing clit. Or how her fingers curled up against me like the way she is now. Jesus. Jesus Christ.

As I arch up into her fingers, Emily kisses the shit out of me. I can feel my fingers digging into her back, leaving indentations in their wake. I don't know I'm doing it it so much as I feel it happening. All I can do is feel. I feel everything. I can feel the way her lips press against me and teeth nipping at me.

So close. I'm so close and it's like she knows because she's fucking me. I can feel the muscles in her back flex. I can feel my walls contract around her fingers. Fuck. Fucking fuck. Jesus.

When I come, I can smell Emily's light perfume and the heady scent of her sweat. I can hear myself scream. I can taste her on my lips. I can fucking see stars. I can feel my entire body as if it had just exploded and all I am left is dust floating in the air. And it feels fucking good. Oh Jesus. Sex is so much better when someone loves you.

Oh shit. Love? Does she? Does Emily love me?

She smiles her innocent smile as she begins to do the most not innocent of things. Her lips wrap lightly around her finger and I watch her suck on it. Exhausted as I am, I'm getting wet again just at the sight. When she's done, it's not what she's done that sticks in my mind. It's the way she looks up in my eyes. Love. It's there.

Oh my god.

I think Emily Fitch loves me.


End file.
